December 24, 2010

The Awesome Hall of Fame and The Hall of Total Bullshit



Awesome Hall of Fame: Black Santa
Where are you, Black Santa? Why are you so elusive during the holiday season? Could it be because white Santa is taking all the fucking jobs?
Hall of Total Bullshit - "Auto-Tune"
Wow. Now you can make yourself sound exactly like a robot that sucks shit!
Awesome Hall of Fame:Quaaludes 
Anyone remember Quaaludes ? I don't. If you've ever done these, congratulations you're old. I was listening to "Bikeage," this morning when I thought of them. Anyhow they sound delicious. Can I get a "lid" of "grass" with that please?







Hall of Total Bullshit: Grooming
I think it's funny when people say, "what's with all the beards?" Dude... What's with shaving?
Awesome Hall of Fame: Nurse Jackie
I bet she'd know where to get some Quaaludes.

Hall of Total Bullshit: Nutrasweet
Tastes nutra-shitty!
Awesome Hall of Fame: "The Way of The Samurai"
Mifune = radness.
Hall of Total Bullshit: Cloth Towel dispenser
I'm sorry but you have to be fucking joking.
Awesome Hall of Fame: Barfly
A holiday classic. To all my frieeeends!
Hall of Total Bullshit: Carnival Rides
I know what you're thinking; why wouldn't I trust rickety, rusted, creaking, ancient contraptions, that can easily be disassembled and folded up into the back of a truck in about 8 minutes by transient ex-cons I can only assume are drunk or stoned? Sorry, carnies, but if I wouldn't want you sitting on my couch, I'm not trusting you with my family's life.

December 21, 2010

Things I've Learned From Pro Wrestling

"Whoa-oh-oh, I got erection."
Paul Bearer - "Necrophiliacs"
Sure, they never actually came out and said ol' Paul liked to do the deed with the dead, but how else could we possibly 
explain what this guy's deal was?
Dusty Rhodes - "American Dreams"
Was a big fat dude who talked like that weird guy from the Louisiana cooking show. He was notable for a large purple blotch across his stomach and lots of weird  scars on his forehead from razor blades (uh... I mean battling evil.) When he got to the WWF he started wearing yellow polka dots, presumably to attract attention away from the blotch. One of the most beloved wrestlers of all-time.

Chris Benoit - "Canadian Cripplers"
Oh, Chris Benoit, I hesitate to even mention you. You were from Canada, were very intense and a terrific wrestler but had no real personality. Then you went nuts, killed your family and committed suicide. There's not really anything funny I can say about that.
Trish Stratus - "Feminists"
Trish promoted gender equality, proving once and for all that women could do more than just stand at ringside. They can do anything inside the ring that a man can do, as long as they do it with enormous breast implants.
"Criminal Law"
So once in awhile bad guy will take things to next level and actually kidnap someone.We all vividly remember "The Twin Towers," kidnapping Miss Elizabeth, on Saturday Night's Main Event, live on NBC .
There's like a thousand people in the audience, can somebody call a cop or something? I mean if there's crime being committed right in front of you, you'd think someone would offer some help, not just stand there and boo. Imagine Rodney King was getting beaten up and instead of grabbing a camera, the guy just walked over and started going "booooo!" What exactly is booing anyway? I mean, swearing isnt great, cause there's kids around, but if you were to say "fuck you," for example everyone knows what that means. Come to think of it, the 90's was probably the time when people figured out they could give wrestlers the finger.
So anyhow, depending on what degree they take this abduction stunt to, the bad guy may even have his opponent's lady tied up and looking uncomfortable in someway. I always thought this didn't make a ton of sense logistically. Are they keeping her locked up in a room somewhere against her will? Are they feeding her or letting her use the bathroom? Depending on how creepy the wrestlers in question are, rubbing their hands together, laughing and such, it almost seems to insinuate that they are raping her.
Uh, weird. Of course they will wait until the designated time to settle this, live on pay-per-view.
Then when the good guy wins it, and rescues the fair damsel, she'll kiss him on the cheek and say "my hero," all Super Mario style.
























November 24, 2010

"Still Alive"

Check it out ... I'm busy working for the man, temporarily, thus the lack of posts! I'm hoping Nov/Dec's content can be combined into a kind of super month I'll call Novcember! I'm still working on the name.

Thank you for your continued support.
-LF/DF

November 11, 2010

The Awesome Hall of Fame and The Hall of Total Bullshit

"I'm not in love with Juke Box Jury. I'm not in love with 'Thank Your Lucky Stars." I'm not in love with T-T-T-Twiggy. Because I'm in love with Cathy McGowan."
Awesome Hall of Fame: Critical Mass
There seems to be a smear campaign going on in the media against critical mass. I've been reading about what a nuisance it is and what troublemakers the riders are; let me tell you something, I've been to a lot of these things; it's good clean family fun and the only people who get mad at being held up in traffic for an extra couple of minutes are the biggest dickheads you can imagine. 99.9% of drivers honk and wave. Don't believe the hype.
Hall of Total Bullshit: Fireworks
Fireworks on Halloween? Does this happen in any city other than Vancouver? What the fuck?
Thanks, fireworks vendors, for selling quarter sticks of dynamite to every asshole kid in my neighborhood, who'll then proceed to light them off in my back alley, for a month before and a month after Halloween. 
You can stick one up your butt and light it, as far as I'm concerned. Someone throw a match into one of these stores and do the world a favor.
Awesome Hall of Fame: Brown Note
Does this actually exist? I hope so. Imagine a record that was so good, it  actually made you take a crap in your pants! What an excellent sensory experience that would be.
Hall of Total Bullshit: War
It's like the songs says; Good God y'all. What is it good for? Absolutely nothin' Say it again.
Awesome Hall of Fame: Comb-over
I'm probably not too far away from one of these myself. Don't worry guys; no one will ever know...
Hall of Total Bullshit: Meter Maids
Not to be gender specific. "Meter-dude," doesn't have the same ring to it. Anyway, fuck these short-pants wearing, overzealous hall-monitor fucks in the fucking ear.
I'm not saying it's a good thing when someone intentionally runs over a parking pig, I'm just saying my tears dry fairly quickly.
Awesome Hall of Fame: Bubble Tea
Something about those weird chewy bits is habit forming.
If I ran the world, I'd just stick pearls in everything. Chew your coffee in the morning, what the hell?
Hall of Total Bullshit: Piss Shiver
So weird.

Awesome Hall of Fame: The Way of the Samurai
I'm not a religious or even very spiritual person, but if I ever make it to the afterlife and get to check out what God looks like, I'll bet good money he's a dead ringer for Toshiro Mifune. Wrong guy to fuck with, totally.
Hall of Total Bullshit: Steel Drums
Apologies to any Caribbeans out there, but I've reached the conclusion that any song with steel drums in it officially sucks shit.



October 31, 2010

Hunt and Gather Profile: Fu Manchu

"You're fucked up baby, your eyes like glass. Your mind's like a beer bottle filled with butts."
Fu Manchu's sound could only have come from California; the epitome of fuzzed out, laid back stoner riffs, which manage to still be aggressive, or at least energetic. They make the perfect soundtrack for driving down a desert highway one of the few bands with a sound so uniquely their own, that they completely transform a cover song simply by playing it.
 The band was formed from the remains hardcore punk band Virulence; guitarist Scott Hill, bassist Mark Abshire and drummer Ruben Romano had previous gone through several front men before Glenn Chivens joined and they changed their name to Fu Manchu.
After Chivens' departure, guitarist Scott Hill took over as vocalist and added a second guitarist Scott Votaw to play leads.
Taking inspiration from local heroes Black Flag (Hill is one of the few guitarists to use Greg Ginn's favored Dan Armstrong lucite guitars) and Bl'ast (whose name and song titles are often referenced in Fu songs) but also by 70's rock and Sabbath, Scott's vintage Univox Superfuzz and lyrics inspired by the 1977 teen sex comedy "The Van," the band forged their unique style.
Much of the early material from the first 3 Fu Manchu singles are available on the "Return To Earth 91-93," comp released on CD in 1998.
After Votaw left, the band cemented their line-up with lead guitarist Eddie Glass.
The Hill/Glass/Abshire/Romano line-up recorded just one album before Mark Abshire left (he had left Virulence once already and returned) and Brad Davis filled the bass player slot, playing on every record since.
The next major line-up change was when Eddie Glass and Ruben Romano left the band in 1997 to re-unite with Mark Abshire as the power trio, Nebula. Bob Balch stepped in on lead guitar duties with Kyuss' Brant Bjork on drums.
This line-up continued until drummer Scott Reeder replaced Bjork in the line-up that continues to this day. 
L to R Scott Hill, Brad Davis, Ruben Romano, Eddie Glass
L to R Davis,Bjork, Balch, Hill
Brad Davis
 Bob Balch, Scott Hill
Bob Balch


No One Rides For Free (1994)

Recorded with an advance they were given to produce a "demo," for a major label, the band decided to record their debut album, knowing that the label would reject it and released the album on indy label "Bong Load Custom." It is a landmark in desert stoner sludge. Scott Hill's trademark vocals; a laid back, almost spoken style with a slightly sleazy quality, that never takes the "chick," part of the chicks and cars formula any further than asking if they want a ride in his "shaggin' wagon."
"Ojo Rojo," delivers the classic line, "She wanted nothing and I delivered."  The overlooked van anthem (vanthem?) "Time To Fly," makes sure to mention, "it's got a teardrop ..." Beautiful!
The two I just mentioned and "Super Bird,' are probably the highlights but the whole thing is good.
The only glaring exception is a song I've always wondered about: "Summer Girls (Free and Easy)" a bizarre attempt at a ballad? A joke? I dunno but it comes up on ipod shuffle every so often and is astoundingly bad. It reminds me of the NOFX song "Together on The Sand," except not funny and with worse singing. It is unique within the Fu catalogue. Still their first record is one of their best.
 Daredevil (1995)
After a stellar debut, the band continued to hit their stride, with this great album. It has a slightly less sludgy shade of fuzz and incorporates additional percussion (think cowbell) for even more groove. It's like Black Sabbath meets "Lowrider." The riffs are monumentally huge and even though I have no idea what the lyrics to "Trapeze Freak," "Travel Agent," or "Sleestak," refer to ("Spiral Architect," and "A National Acrobat," are sort of in the same category for me) they are irresistible headbanging material. Actually more of a THC induced head-nodding but whatevs. Of all the bands given the annoying label of "stoner rock," Fu Manchu establish themselves as the most fun to get stoned and listen to.
This is the second and last "Bong Load Custom," release before moving to Mammoth records. It's unfortunately a bit difficult to track down, much like "No One Rides For Free." Thank God for the internet cause these are two absolutely essential Fu Manchu records.
In Search Of... (1996)


I'm not sure why I've always had the impression that this record was somehow vastly inferior to "Daredevil." Honestly, there aren't as many stand-out tracks for me, but it's still damn good. The fuzz hits a "Master of Reality," level and Eddie Glass really goes to town on his final album appearance, his lazy wah-wah heavy leads suddenly kicked into overdrive. The spacey vibes of "Neptune's Convoy," can likely be attributed to Glass as well, being consistent thematically with his next band, "Nebula." "Regal Beagle," "Asphalt Risin'," and "The Falcon Has Landed," are all highlights of, probably the heaviest Fu Manchu record of all time.


The Action Is Go (1997)
Somehow released right on the heels of the previous album, even after replacing guitarist Eddie Glass with Bob Balch and with Brant Bjork (producer of their first album and former member of Kyuss) taking over cowbell duties from Ruben Romano. The huge personnel changes are nullified by incredible momentum and, based entirely on it's own merits, it's arguably as good as "Daredevil,"although it may begin to feel repetitive to the casual listener.
Closer content-wise to "Daredevil," with lots of faster numbers and killer grooves. "Urethane," "Evil Eye," "Anodizer,"and "Laserbl'ast," all make my best-of list don't miss a beat, serving up killer skating/desert driving anthems. I would put this record on par with the first two, depending on mood.

Eatin' Dust (1999)
So, "Eatin' Dust," was originally put out as a 10" on Frank Kozik's now-defunct "Man's Ruin," label. It was later re-released on CD with the 10" "Godzilla," and re-titled "Godzilla's Eatin' Dust."
Really there are a few things working against this one - the different releases, labels, track listings; I think of this one more like an EP, since it only has 5 songs and was a 10".
For some reason some other dude plays guitar on the "Godzilla," record, which consists of 2 originals and a cover of the BOC song, which is okay.
The highlight of any version of this release is "Mongoose," possibly the best song the band ever recorded (easily top 3 at the very least.) Don't bother with the easier to find re-recorded version of the song on "California Crossing." The rest of it sounds is not necessarily "A," material
King of The Road (2000)
 Side one of this record features some of the band's best material, maybe of all time; "Hell on Wheels," and "King of The Road," are absolute ass-kickers. "Boogie Van," could be called the perfect Fu Manchu song. Unfortunately it runs out of momentum a bit on side two, which is hit or miss. As a bonus Devo's "Freedom of Choice," is given the Fu treatment. I'll put up side one of this one against anything in their catalogue. This could be considered the last of a string of classic recordings, starting with the first, and skipping over the less essential  "Eatin' Dust."/"Godzilla."




California Crossing (2001)
This record was a mistake for the band and has since been acknowledged as such. It was intended to be a more commercial sounding record in an effort to appeal to the dreaded "wider audience." So we have a much clearer guitar sound - the mountain of sludge is absent, and the leads are more prominent. Scott makes the attempt to sing and the choruses are more defined. You hear most of the traditional elements of the sound and then pop hooks jump out of nowhere. The band butchers "Mongoose," as far as I'm concerned, unnecessarily re-recording it with the type of slick backing vocals that record companies think everyone wants to hear. It doesn't work and sounds like pop garbage. Leave the pop sound to bands like the Descendents who make it work. Fu Manchu is not about that (this has since been made abundantly clear in the years since the album's mixed reception.)
Highlights "California Crossing," "Hang On," and "Squash That Fly," (which seems to share the same riff with "Amp-n," which makes it peculiar to sequence them back to back) come off sounding a lot better on their "Go For It Live,"record, which I recommend. It's a also a weird choice to throw a drum-solo on the last song if you ask me but I guess it's appropriate as a farewell to Brant Bjork on his final recording with the band .

Start the Machine (2004)
I always had the impression that this record is the totally boring Fu album; the cover is generic and so is the title (unless you can appreciate the Bl'ast reference.) What it really is, is an album with an identity crisis. Scott Hill has stopped writing about chicks, cars and skating for some reason and the songs now don't really seem to be about anything. I realize none of these are very deep subjects and lyrics on previous albums made very little sense to begin with, but
 although on subsequent listens, it's actually a lot better than I remember I still instantly forget any lyrics or song titles and it's just not very fun to listen to.
"Written In Stone," is the best of the bunch, "Make Them Believe," and "Understand," are catchy enough. "Hey," (that's the actual title) is pretty good too. The songs are back to a "no-bullshit," approach, following their experimentation on "California Crossing,"except
"Out To Sea," which is sort of a mellow, surfy instrumental that's not bad. My opinion of this record improves a little with every listen but, honestly if I look at the track listing, I still can't remember what any of these songs sound like.
Scott Reeder's first outing on drums and the only release on "DRT Records," which went tits-up shortly after.


We Must Obey (2007)

The title track  really sounds like their triumphant return to past glory and, while the the overall quality is better than "Start The Machine," the rest sounds a bit like filler. The cover of
The Cars "Moving In Stereo," and "Sensei Vs. Sensei," stand out but "Between The Lines," "Never Again," "Didn't Really Try," sound uninspired. Bob Balch still keeps it interesting with some cool guitar lines. This was the sole release on yet another label, "Liquor and Poker."


Signs of Infinite Power (2009)

By the time I was finished listening to "We Must Obey,"  I though I might have been going through Fu Manchu fatigue or something, which had unfairly affected my ability to appreciate that record.
Not so, apparently, because I put this, their latest album on the stereo and immediately felt the need to turn the volume up. Whereas, "Obey," had one really good tune and a bunch of mediocre ones, I can't really pick a standout track here because they're all good. 
Coincidentally, there's also the welcome return of unusual song titles - I have no idea what "Webfoot Witch Hat," or "El Busta" are about but they're hell of a lot more memorable, especially since they're attached to songs you'll walk away humming along to. "Steel Beast Defeated," is another highlight for me 
The title track again is good... "Gargantuan March," really gets the "head-nod," happening.
It might actually be the best thing they're done since "King of The Road."




October 29, 2010

Things I've Learned From Pro Wrestling

"You ain’t got a job, you can’t pay the rent
And now you’re paying interest on all the money you’ve been lent."
Jimmy Snuka - "Polynesians"
Polynesian is a fancy word for Hawaiian or something. People from there never wear wrestling boots, because they haven't been invented there yet. It is a good strategy to stomp on their exposed bare feet, which is actually one of the reasons that we have shoes in the first place. All Polynesians like sticking out their tongues a lot and jumping off of things. Also their heads are always, always super hard. Headbutting them is like them headbutting you. Don't bother headbutting someone from Samoa or even hitting them in the head with a chair: no dice. I'm pretty sure, if you had to, you could shoot one of them in the head and that would do the trick, but that's not allowed in wrestling.
The Ultimate Warrior - "Crystal Meth Addicts"
This is the only explanation I have for the bizarre behaviour of this strange person. I can overlook the running around and beating his chest and that weird headbanging thing he used to do; also, the saliva frothing, eyes bugging out ... maybe he was just excited, but have you actually sat back and listened to one of those crazy interviews he used to give, where he starts talking like he's from outer space and shit? He must've been piping up pretty hard and often if you ask me.


Slick - "African Americans"
Slick is a "doctor or style," which is a codeword for pimp. He has a Jheri-curl a pinstriped suit, wears a fedora and spatz. He enjoys dancing and speaks in ebonics.

Papa Shango - "African Americans"
Papa Shango was some sort of voodoo dude. He wore a big top hat like Slash and a lot of bones around his neck. He also cast spells on other wrestlers to make them puke or make all kinds of black shit drip out of their face or to just make them have really horrible wrestling matches with him. He later went on to become a pimp who enjoyed dancing.
"Animal Lovers"
A weird phenomenon where some wrestlers like their animals so much, they start acting like them. Koko B. Ware is a good example of this. He had a parrot that he'd walk down to the ring with so, the parrot could "watch," or something. Koko would imitate the bird, and do weird things like wave his arms like he was flapping wings.
Jake The Snake would sort of slither into the ring all snakey and then would let his snake crawl around on his opponent after he knocked them out and scare the living fuck out of everyone. It's a boa constrictor, dude relax; unless you just rubbed mice guts all over yourself it's not going to bite you.
So anyhow, the way things would usually happen was the guy's bird/dog/snake was sitting there and a bad  guy would come up all sneaky-like and take the guy's animal just to fuck with him!
Well, that sucks and all but you just left it there, man! What were you thinking about? You don't lock your bike up: it gets stolen. Figure it out.

October 20, 2010

Name Your Poison: Sex

"He's a pistol-grip shiftin' and a lightening rod hammer step.He always busts his knuckles when he's wrenching up his shit."
In the words of the great Sleazy P. Martini, "What good is all the violence in the world unless it is tempered with limitless sex?" Agreed. Mr. Martini also went on to observe that, when you are in France, you do indeed pull down your pants.
Screamin' Jay Hawkins
Auteur of  the classic song "I Put a Spell On You," he obviously never put a condom on himself. He holds the distinction of having the largest number of illegitimate children of any modern day musician(somewhere between 57 and 75) after carelessly tossing his seed throughout North America. Not bad for a dude with a bone through his nose.
George Michael
Hey, what the big deal? Just 'cause the guy makes a habit of receiving anonymous sexual favors in public restrooms? Is that such a crime? What's everyone getting so uptight about?
Motley Crue
Fun fact: in addition to shoving drugs into every imaginable orifice and dating skanky porn chicks, these guys also found time to make some really terrible records!
R. Kelly
"R." was probably trying earn some extra points for creativity, by combining sex tapes, statutory rape and golden showers. Tres bien, monsieur.
Chuck Berry
I hate to break it to anyone who's opinion of Chuck Berry didn't suffer enough after watching "Hail Hail Rock 'n' Roll," but Chuck was into "scat," in a serious way ... and I don't mean the jazz vocal style.
Tim Bachman
Oh how the mighty have fallen .. Who knew the "business," this BTO member was taking care of was with an eleven year old. I mean, might expect this type of behaviour from Burton Cummings but come on...
Gene Simmons
This poster-boy for genital warts never met a vagina he didn't want to put his disgusting thing inside of. I can only imagine how many of his "conquests," asked him to keep the make-up on.
Kim Fowley
I don't know how the man does it but, somehow, The Runaways' former Svengali manages to be 100 times creepier than almost anyone on this list. I don't even know the specific details of his personal life and wouldn't want to...
Factoid: Listening to his voice on his radio show reveals that he has a strange croak, nearly identical to Larry Flynt, no doubt proof that syphilis corrodes the vocal chords
Bono
Of course his official explanation of this facebook-photo gaffe is that he was teaching these underaged girls to read but make no mistake; this bloated, self-righteous fuck likes to play ball whether there's grass on the field or not.
Gary Glitter
Reigning champion of creepy pervs and composer of the now-all-too-ironic "Do You Wanna Touch Me,"  Gary forgot to erase the thousands of volumes of child pornography from his computer before he sent it in for repair, then after his career was ruined, moved to Vietnam to pursue molestation full time before landing himself in prison. Hope he got to bring the shiny suit with him. "Rock 'n' roll, rock 'n' ro - oll, Hey!"