Things I've Learned From Pro Wrestling

"Whoa-oh-oh, I got erection."

Paul Bearer - "Necrophiliacs"
Sure, they never actually came out and said ol' Paul liked to do the deed with the dead, but how else could we possibly explain what this guy's deal was?

Dusty Rhodes - "American Dreams"

Was a big fat dude who talked like that weird guy from the Louisiana cooking show. He was notable for a large purple blotch across his stomach and lots of weird  scars on his forehead from razor blades (uh... I mean battling evil.) When he got to the WWF he started wearing yellow polka dots, presumably to attract attention away from the blotch. One of the most beloved wrestlers of all-time.

Chris Benoit - "Canadian Cripplers"

Oh, Chris Benoit, I hesitate to even mention you. You were from Canada, were very intense and a terrific wrestler but had no real personality. Then you went nuts, killed your family and committed suicide. There's not really anything funny I can say about that.

Trish Stratus - "Feminists"

Trish promoted gender equality, proving once and for all that women could do more than just stand at ringside. They can do anything inside the ring that a man can do, as long as they do it with enormous breast implants.

"Criminal Law"

So once in awhile bad guy will take things to next level and actually kidnap someone.We all vividly remember "The Twin Towers," kidnapping Miss Elizabeth, on Saturday Night's Main Event, live on NBC .

There's like a thousand people in the audience, can somebody call a cop or something? I mean if there's crime being committed right in front of you, you'd think someone would offer some help, not just stand there and boo. Imagine Rodney King was getting beaten up and instead of grabbing a camera, the guy just walked over and started going "booooo!" What exactly is booing anyway? I mean, swearing isnt great, cause there's kids around, but if you were to say "fuck you," for example everyone knows what that means. Come to think of it, the 90's was probably the time when people figured out they could give wrestlers the finger.

So anyhow, depending on what degree they take this abduction stunt to, the bad guy may even have his opponent's lady tied up and looking uncomfortable in someway. I always thought this didn't make a ton of sense logistically. Are they keeping her locked up in a room somewhere against her will? Are they feeding her or letting her use the bathroom? Depending on how creepy the wrestlers in question are, rubbing their hands together, laughing and such, it almost seems to insinuate that they are raping her.

Uh, weird. Of course they will wait until the designated time to settle this, live on pay-per-view.

Then when the good guy wins it, and rescues the fair damsel, she'll kiss him on the cheek and say "my hero," all Super Mario style.

Things I've Learned From Pro Wrestling

"You ain’t got a job, you can’t pay the rent

And now you’re paying interest on all the money you’ve been lent."

Jimmy Snuka - "Polynesians"

Polynesian is a fancy word for Hawaiian or something. People from there never wear wrestling boots, because they haven't been invented there yet. It is a good strategy to stomp on their exposed bare feet, which is actually one of the reasons that we have shoes in the first place. All Polynesians like sticking out their tongues a lot and jumping off of things. Also their heads are always, always super hard. Headbutting them is like them headbutting you. Don't bother headbutting someone from Samoa or even hitting them in the head with a chair: no dice. I'm pretty sure, if you had to, you could shoot one of them in the head and that would do the trick, but that's not allowed in wrestling.

The Ultimate Warrior - "Crystal Meth Addicts"

This is the only explanation I have for the bizarre behaviour of this strange person. I can overlook the running around and beating his chest and that weird headbanging thing he used to do; also, the saliva frothing, eyes bugging out ... maybe he was just excited, but have you actually sat back and listened to one of those crazy interviews he used to give, where he starts talking like he's from outer space and shit? He must've been piping up pretty hard and often if you ask me.

Slick - "African Americans"

Slick is a "doctor or style," which is a codeword for pimp. He has a Jheri-curl a pinstriped suit, wears a fedora and spatz. He enjoys dancing and speaks in ebonics.

Papa Shango - "African Americans"

Papa Shango was some sort of voodoo dude. He wore a big top hat like Slash and a lot of bones around his neck. He also cast spells on other wrestlers to make them puke or make all kinds of black shit drip out of their face or to just make them have really horrible wrestling matches with him. He later went on to become a pimp who enjoyed dancing.

"Animal Lovers"

A weird phenomenon where some wrestlers like their animals so much, they start acting like them. Koko B. Ware is a good example of this. He had a parrot that he'd walk down to the ring with so, the parrot could "watch," or something. Koko would imitate the bird, and do weird things like wave his arms like he was flapping wings.

Jake The Snake would sort of slither into the ring all snakey and then would let his snake crawl around on his opponent after he knocked them out and scare the living fuck out of everyone. It's a boa constrictor, dude relax; unless you just rubbed mice guts all over yourself it's not going to bite you.

So anyhow, the way things would usually happen was the guy's bird/dog/snake was sitting there and a bad  guy would come up all sneaky-like and take the guy's animal just to fuck with him!

Well, that sucks and all but you just left it there, man! What were you thinking about? You don't lock your bike up: it gets stolen. Figure it out.

Things I've Learned From Pro Wrestling

"The savage mutilation of the human race is set on course ..."

Ted Dibiase: "Rich People"

Ted Dibiase is rich. You can tell this by the big dollar sign on his outfit and the big wad of cash he carries with him everywhere, kind of like the big bags they used to use in cartoons with a dollar sign on them, so everybody knows there's money inside.

He bought a black person, named Virgil to open his limo door and count his $ for him and scowl angrily. Why does he continue to work as a pro wrestler? Just to be a dick to people, apparently.

Iron Sheik: "Arabs"

The Iron Sheik is from the Middle East, which is in the desert somewhere. Like most Arabs he is either a sheik or a sultan (one of the two) and wears some sort of sand resistant headgear (turban or occasionally fez)

Arabs can't usually speak English very well but like to look up at the sky and scream a lot.

"Allacch, hallem alllaha Hulk Hogan! Allah hallalem, Pontiac Silverdome alllahha hallhem!" for example.

All moves performed by Arab wrestling moves have to do with camels somehow. Camel clutch, camel kick, camel punch in the nuts and so on. They hate America's freedom and think they are superior because we need their oil so much.

Luna Vachon: "Lesbians"

Luna Vachon looks a bit like Wendy O Williams, if she was hit in the face with a shovel. She is, I believe what is known as a "butter-face." She has a voice that sounds like she's been either gargling with Drano or is trying to take a shit. How do I know she is a lesbian since she hasn't actually said that she was? Because gay men act just like women and gay women act just like men, silly; pay attention.

Big Boss Man: "Prison Screws"

This former prison guard from some redneck town, just south of butt-fuck nowhere went from a bad guy administering vicious nightstick beatings to the good guys, to a fan favorite by administering vicious nightstick beatings to the bad buys. Kinda makes you want to buy your kid a giant foam finger with his picture on it, no?

If The Ref Didn't See It ...

Back when I was a little kid, sports didn't have any new-fangled "instant replay." The ref had to know what the hell they were doing or you were shit out of luck. If you really wanted to make sure they didn't miss something, you just got a bunch more of them to stand in different places and if all of them didn't see whatever happened, I'd usually get to hear all the adults in an arena scream or chant words I wasn't allowed to say. "Asshole," "idiot,." "Faggot," was an interest one, as if somehow being gay affects your eyesight.

So for years, in sports like tennis, football, sports where a couple of inches really matters, they'd have to take the guys word for it or if you were coked up like John McEnroe you'd just fucking scream at the guy. Holy shit, you bet that was my favorite part of tennis. Sometimes my mom would try to make me leave the room, but you'd still hear "fuck," or "bullshit," and they couldn't bleep it. Was"bleeping," even invented then?

Even after they invented instant replay, lots of old guys didn't want it, like the recording was some sort of witchcraft and would steal their souls. These guys were usually also against helmets in hockey, cause getting you head smashed in is a part of the game and anyone who didn't know that was a pussy.

So, for reasons philosophical or not, it too a long time for instant replay to become the standard for televised sports. This however does not include wrestling. there is one referee and, as it pertains to cheating, if he doesn't see it, it didn't happen. Now wrestling referees, we're lead to assume, are almost retarded. Certain wrestlers, like our buddy Abdullah The Butcher are famous for cutting people with objects and certain managers, like our buddy, Jim Cornette are known for braining people with objects. Any ref with half a brain would figure out at some point what would happen after certain wrestlers skillfully turn their back for a second and their opponent ends up gushing blood. You'd think that eventually someone would at least share this information with them. Therefore I imagine that wrestling referees are sequestered, like a jury and never allowed to watch or read about wrestling. This, I would have to imagine, is in an effort to keep the sport pure. Of course, if they did catch you cheating, they wouldn't really do much about it, except start counting.

Things I've Learned From Pro Wrestling

"I am a sweetheart, I am a prom queen, I am some puppies. What, Daisy?"

AbdullahThe Butcher: "Sudanese People"
Abdullah The Butcher is a "Wildman from Sudan,"  known for having the most unique and recognizable set of "moobs," on the planet as well as for his signature maneuver: "stabbing someone with a fork."
His motivation, as with other wild-people from weird countries, seems like it may be that he actually wants to eat people

He also operates a restaurant in Atlanta called "Abdullah The Butcher's House of Ribs and Chinese Food."

I've gotta credit Ash for asking if they serve foreheads there. I don't know, man ... I don't know.

The Headbangers: "Headbangers"

The Headbangers are typical of heavy metal enthusiasts in that they wear kilts and Marilyn Manson (or occasionally White Zombie) t-shirts wherever they go, since these have been universally acknowledged as the greatest heavy metal bands of all time. Come to think of it, I may put my kilt on and listen to a bit of the ol' Marilyn Manson later. One of them sometimes wears one of those chains that you connect from your nose-ring to your earring, which I always thought were a bad idea, for obvious reasons. He wisely removed it before wrestling. The Headbangers were also were in the habit of "moshing," with each other in the ring, which, as we all know, is more or less the same as jumping around like a retard.

They may also have been involved in some capacity with the Columbine school shootings.

The Fabulous Rougeau Brothers: "People from Quebec"

People from Quebec are Canadian but also French, and being French in wrestling is the equivalent of being gay. Not only do they hate America's freedom but also have a superior attitude, prefer wine to Budweiser and kiss each other on both cheeks.

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Adorable Adrian Adonis: "Gay People"

Adrian Adonis is a guy who, at one point, just decided to start wearing scarves and rouge, (a sure sign of gayness) also pink tights. It wasn't clear if his gayness was a lifestyle choice or just to psych people out. Whoever he was wrestling would be super creeped-out that he might somehow touch their butt or something. 

His opponent would be like, "What the hell? Is this guy wearing a bonnet and leg-warmers? - Bam! - Elbow to the face! Sneaky.

"Foreign Objects"

Before I can even remember knowing what the word "foreign," meant, (except maybe from the band Foreigner) I knew what a "foreign object," was. It doesn't mean that an object needs a passport to get into a country and a green card to work, or that certain objects don't speak the same "object language," as each other and sometimes go on vacation to other "object countries," and take lots of pictures and then call the "object consulate," if they get pick-pocketed and lose their ID or something.

Nope, it doesn't mean that at all. A foreign object is something that doesn't belong in the ring, near the ring or maybe the area. This doesn't include guns as they evidently don't have metal detectors for wrestlers to walk through on the way to the ring. Our buddy Abdullah would be pretty hooped, in that case wouldn't he?

I am old enough to actually remember referees "patting down," the wrestlers like they're getting jacked up by the cops or something. In my youthful naivete I didn't even know what "getting jacked up by the cops," meant yet, but I knew that the reason none of the refs ever found anything is because the best place in the world to hide something bad is right in your sweaty "dick and balls," area at the front of your wrestling tights, cause they can't really grab on to your junk for very long or anything,  (I'm glad to have known this information when I was eight). The other added bonus is that, by the time you pull it out, that weird sort of homemade shiv they sometimes use has been marinating in ball-sweat for about half an hour,  adding insult to injury (and maybe giving them a nice infection while you're at it). Lastly, I'm also extremely grateful to have sort of known what a shiv was, when I was eight.

Things I've Learned From Pro Wrestling

"Can you hear the war cry? It's time to enlist."

IRS: "Shifty Accountants"

IRS's full name is Irwin R. Schyster, which, I guess, pretty much dictated his future career path. His intimidation techniques were along the line of "If I can't beat you up, I'll cripple you financially!"
He also made the poor decision - I think - to wrestle wearing loafers, suspenders and a tie.

At some point, you'd think someone would want to grab that tie and say... pull him around by the neck with it. Anyhow, IRS was one of a number of wrestlers who seemed to actually have day jobs (dogcatcher, garbage man, cowboy) and just said, "Fuck it, I just spent a long day at work, I'm not going to bother getting changed to wrestle."

This phenomenon also speaks to hard financial times; "Not only do I have to wrestle big dudes who wanna hurt me, I have to go out and be a fuckin' garbage man during the day." Brutal!

Bam Bam Bigelow: "Tattooed People"

This guy is pretty old-school with the whole "giant-head-tattoo," thing. Of course nowadays you see kids at the mall that look like this, all the time, but back in the 80's, Bammer looked like he belonged in the circus or something.

His tattoo also sort of made it look like he had hair on his head. It is a tattoo of flames, actually, which made it look like he had hair made of fire.

Steve Austin: "Rednecks"

Okay, check it out; before I even mention Steve Austin, I want to tell you about this other guy called The Sandman, who was a pretty awesome wrestler, except for the actual wrestling part. The Sandman used to walk to the ring to the tune "Enter Sandman," by Metallica, which seemed appropriate because he was "The Sandman," and he was ... "entering." The thing is, he'd wait until the entire song was finished before he got to the ring. It's not the longest song in the world but that's still a pretty  long walk.

So, his ring outfit was pretty much just a t-shirt, some track pants and sneakers, so you could easily havebeen sitting on the couch watching The Sandman, while wearing the exact same thing he was. So the Sandman's "gimmick," I guess was that he was a super unwholesome type of dude, so he would saunter down to the ring to Metallica, smoking a cigarette. Sometimes he would smoke more than one and I'm not talking Andrew Dice Clay style, lighting it, waving it around for a bit, then throwing it away; I mean actually smoking it. There's more - he would actually drink beer on his way to the ring. He'd bring cans of Budweiser with him, crack a beer and pour the whole thing over his head, into his mouth, without hardly spilling a drop: impressive. He would sometimes drink as many as 3 full beers before the music stopped and then take the empty cans and smash them on his already-scarred-up forehead, 'til he was bleeding; an excellent strategy, I think. It says to your opponent "You want to smash me over the head? You wanna split my forehead open until I'm bleeding? Well I already did that to myself, so what else are you gonna do?"

Now, after all this drinking and smoking, he still had to stagger to the ring and try to wrestle. Try this sometime. Put "Enter Sandman," on the stereo and try to guzzle 3 entire beers before it's over. Then,  for the hell of it, smash yourself in the forehead with the empty cans, until you're bleeding. You will be well on your way to getting fucked up.

So, Sandman would pretty much stumble around the ring, sauced, between attempts to do ridiculous things, like wrap barbed wire around himself and jump off the top rope onto people. Not sure why this is a good idea.

So, enter Mr. Austin. His whole deal is that he's a redneck, beer-drinking type guy who gives people the finger. He starts bringing beer to the ring and doing roughly the same thing, except he basically smashes beers together making them foam up all over the place and pours them all over his face and down his shirt. What's the point of this other than wasting beer? Why dump beer all over yourself  and not get any in your mouth?

I've heard of smoking things and not inhaling, but drinking and not swallowing? Dumb.

Sgt. Slaughter: "Marines "
Sgt Slaughter loves freedom so much he went to war and killed a bunch of people who hate it. He is pretty fat and old but has the power of America behind him. He calls people "maggots" and also calls wrestlers from communist countries "pinkos," which is something I've only ever heard Archie Bunker say.
Sarge is usually called upon to beat the crap out of various foreigners that threaten America and America's glorious freedom.
I never actually heard Sarge use the word "sand-nigger," but I could tell that he was thinking it a bunch.

Mr. Perfect: "Arrogant Jerks"
Mr. Perfect is pretty much just a cocky asshole. He used to demonstrate his perfection by throwing a towel behind his back and catching it somehow. He used to also chew gum and spit it out of his mouth, then slap it out of the air with his hand. Needless to say, as a kid, I started to do this all the time. I would chew gum just so I could spit it out and slap it out of the air. I figure I connected roughly 75-80% of the time. I must have looked like quite an idiot spitting gum everywhere.

Things I've Learned From Pro-Wrestling

"What kind of a fool do you think I am? You think I know nothing of the modern world."

The Genius - "Smart People"

You could tell The Genius was smart because he wore a graduation cap and gown to the ring and pointed at his head a lot. He would read insulting poems about his opponents before a match and throw Frisbees into the crowd. I'm not making this up. He was also very effeminate in his mannerisms and used to do a whole stretching routine before a match, which also included cartwheels.

The Genius got his ass kicked a lot.

Bret Hart: "Canadians"

You can't really tell that Bret Hart is a Canadian by looking at him. He looks more or less like a regular American. He seems like he might be okay but is also technically foreign and should be regarded with suspicion. Canadians are sneaky in their ability to blend in to normal society undetected. Bret does have a noticeable accent when he says "oot" and "aboot" and probably prefers hockey and bacon to baseball and pie. He sometimes fights on the side of America to help preserve it's awesomeness, but he can also succumb to unprovoked America hating and therefore cant be completely trusted. Bret Hart is from Calgary, which is apparently a remote area in Canada where shampoo is not yet available.

Barry Horowitz: "Jewish People"
Barry's Jewiness or Jew-ousity never occurred to me as a kid because I'm not very bright. Of the "up and coming" and/or washed-up wrestlers, whose job it was to get the shit pounded out of them by the good wrestlers on Saturday morning, Barry was one of the few who got his own gimmick. His gimmick was that he used to pat himself on the back. He even had a sequined ring jacket with a likeness of his own hand on the back. I didn't say it was a good gimmick.
Barry  spent a lot of time on his back because, as I already mentioned he regularly got his ass kicked.
At one point I recall Barry wearing a star of David on his trunks and I have a vague memory of a yarmulke but I may have imagined that. He probably got his ass kicked a lot while wearing it.

Barry may have also helped kill Jesus.

Repo-Man: "Repo-Men"

Repo Man was a perfect modern-day villain, because nothing angers the average American more than someone who sneaks into your yard and takes away things you've bought but can't afford to pay for.

Managers Vs. Valets

A manager is usually a small wimp or nerd who shouts encouragement or speaks on behalf of an inarticulate lunk and expresses to everyone just how scary they are.

Typical manager interview; "Hulk Hogan. This man, The Pulversizer is going to make you his bitch next Sunday. Do you know what a bitch is Hulk Hogan? You will on August 17th at Wrestlemania 25, at the Pontiac Silverdome. When he gets you inside that steel cage, he's going to fuck you in the ass like a fresh inmate dropping the soap at Riker's Island. And all the little Hulkamaniacs will be drinking paint thinner and hurling themselves into oncoming traffic because they'll have watched their hero get anally raped live on pay-per view, this Sunday August 17th!"

It's useful for a manger to carry some sort of prop, which defines their personality somehow, but also gives them the opportunity to brain someone with it when the ref isn't looking.

Examples:

JimmyHart - Megaphone

Jim Cornette -Tennis racket

Paul Ellering - Rolled up newspaper

Mr. Fuji - Cane (or flag pole) and envelope full of salt

Classy Freddie Blassie - Golf club

A valet is usually a woman in a slutty outfit who will distract referees and opponents with her; legs/cleavage/shrilly voice. She will often brain opponents with objects or hand these objects to her wrestler to brain the opponent with. These objects may include, but are not limited to;

Purse with a brick in it.

High heel shoe (ouch!)

Bottle of perfume (sprayed into the eyes)

Bottle of hairspray (sprayed into the eyes)

Valets are often devious and may turn friends against each other or turn good wrestlers bad.
It is, acceptable for a good guy to slap a valet under certain circumstances.

Jimmy Hart :  manager

Jim Cornette : manager

Missy Hyatt : valet

Gorgeous George : valet

Things I've Learned From Pro-Wrestling

"Every night the scene is set. I've got to drink to forget. I cannot incur this debt. Where's the gun? Here's my head!"

Rowdy Roddy Piper - "Scottish People"

Roddy Piper was supposed to be from Glasgow Scotland but aside from his bagpipe theme music, the kilt he always wore and his complete inability to tan, there was nothing especially Scottish about him. He had a relatively average physique and seemed to kick ass only  due to his sheer rowdiness. He often appeared as though he could have been slightly drunk. Or on pills.
He went on to star in, "Hell Comes To Frogtown," which is officially the greatest movie ever.

Razor Ramon: "Cuban People"

Razor speaks in a way that is consistent with what most of us already know about Cuban people from watching Scarface and I Love Lucy. He likes to call people, "chico," and throw toothpicks at them. It is probably safe to assume that he is "mobbed up," and has dealt a little bit in the old booger sugar, if you catch my meaning. His hair has a lot of "product," AKA slime in it and he often refers to himself as "the bad guy.
"Fuck Casper Gomez and fuck the fucking Diaz brothers! I bury those cock-a-roaches."
He is married to Michelle Pfeiffer, whose womb is so polluted he can't even make a baby with her.

Earthquake: "Morbidly Obese People"

Earthquake is extremely over-weight, sweats a lot and generally has questionable hygiene

It is inevitable that if you are tall enough or gain enough weight, you will one day be recruited to help destroy Hulkamania. Earthquake once almost succeeded in murdering Hulk Hogan by sitting on him.

Bad News Brown: "People From The Ghetto"

Bad News Brown is an example of the always frightening, "angry black person." He comes from Harlem, which is part of the ghetto, where everyone scowls a lot. He seems to show no interest in dancing whatsoever and may actually hate white people for some reason. It is possible that he might hate other black people as well but no one can be sure because it's unheard of to have more than one black person in the ring at the same time.

Bad News likes to finish people off with a move called the "ghetto blaster," which is also known as kicking someone in the back of the head really hard.

He used to like to call everyone, "beer-bellied sharecroppers," which I never understood as a kid until I saw the movie "The Jerk."

Metal folding chair = the most diabolic weapon known to man
Ever since wrestling matches were held in drafty hockey arenas and smoky bingo halls, it's been customary to have a bunch of metal folding chairs set up around ringside for extra seating. As luck would have it, these chairs are also totally awesome to hit someone in the head with. A metal folding chair across the skull can have roughly the same impact as a nuclear warhead (unless, of course, you're Samoan, but I'll save that discussion for another time.)
It should be noted that, although they appear identical to the type of chair you might find yourself setting up for a church bake-sale, Vince McMahon was always careful to point out that theirs are made of 100% solid steel!

Things I've Learned From Pro-Wrestling

"Take out your fuckin' retainer, put it in your purse."

George The Animal Steele: "Mentally Disabled People

Mentally disabled people or "retards," as they are commonly known, are well-meaning and usually harmless, but can become extremely dangerous when they become angry or sexually aroused.
Under these circumstances, they have been known to exhibit a phenomenon known as "retard strength." When this occurs, they should be avoided at all cost, until they can distracted by a shiny object long enough to be subdued.
George was once so overcome by his urges that he tried to steal Miss Elizabeth from the Macho Man and climb up The Empire State Building with her draped over his shoulder. Poor lonely bastard.
George also has a green tongue for some reason. (Perhaps from licking something that shouldn't be licked.)

The Mountie: "Law Enforcement"

The Mountie was a deranged RCMP officer who used to jab people with an electric cattle prod, which is totally against the rules by the way. He always liked to scream "I'm The Mountie!" at the top of his lungs (as if the outfit didn't make it obvious) and say, "The Mountie always gets his man." I always got a sort of gay "Village People," vibe from him, honestly,  probably because he never really mentions what he does with "his man," once he "gets," him. This may have gone against the WWF's "don't-ask, don't-tell," policy at the time.

The Mountie is now retired from wrestling and working at the Vancouver Airport.

Miss Elizabeth: "Women"

The first lady of wrestling Beautiful, serene the the picture of elegance and the pinnacle of womanitude. She is the manager or wife or something of the Macho Man, even though he is a total freak and she seems a little afraid of him. Her job is to stand by the ring looking concerned and generally to "shut the fuck up," when her man tells her to.
Liz is easily physically overpowered or bullied by other wrestler's gals and frequently needs to be rescued. Elizabeth proves the theory that women are generally useless unless they are evil.

Akeem: "African People"

Akeem is supposed to be a white African, but not an Afrikaner. He is a big, fat white guy who tries to talk and act like a black American. Confused? He makes these stupid hand movements that I can't really describe and is really, really annoying. I remember thinking Akeem harshly sucked when I was a kid.

Geography: "Parts Unknown"

Some wrestlers (like our buddy Missing Link, pictured above) are said to come from "Parts Unknown".
I guess this means they are so freaky and mysterious that really no one knows where they came from and are afraid to ask. Perhaps the wrestler is so strange, even they don't know where they are from. Some of these weirdos have begun to referring to "Parts Unknown," as if it were an actual place, begging the questions - Where are these parts? Who are they unknown to? What do these guys do when they're there? Plot the destruction of Hulkamania perhaps? When they are in Parts Unknown, do they know they are there?

Things I've Learned From Pro-Wrestling

"It's the suede/denim secret police. They have come for your un-cool niece."

Nikolai Volkoff: "Russian People

Volkoff is a Russian which is the same as a commie. Russian people hate America because they hate our freedom. They can sometimes be bumbling as evidenced by Rocky and Bullwinkle. They wrestle in singlets similar to Russian power-lifters at the Olympics and train by wrestling bears. They will sometimes try wave the Russian flag and sing the Russian national anthem, which is a good way to piss off American wrestlers . Everyone knows that, in wrestling, no one should wave any flag other than the American flag or sing any anthem other than the American national anthem. When this happens it is necessary to beat some freedom into them.

Russians have been know to reform themselves by learning to love America (and freedom). They are usually kind of dopey, as evidenced by their inability to speak English too good. People who speak in broken English are obviously a bit dumb 'cause; how hard is it to learn English? All of us speak it.

See also: Nikita Koloff in the parallel universe of WCW.

Chief Wahoo McDaniel: "Native Americans"

Wahoo McDaniel wrestled back when they called Native American people "Indians" and international objects "foreign". This should not be confused with people from the country India, which is in the Middle East and technically makes them Arabs.

Wahoo is a chief, like most Indians. You can tell by the feathers on his hat thingy. Regular Indians start out with only one feather, and then when they earn a whole hat full they are a chief. Wahoo was kind of old and fat but cagey and with lots of "heart". If he started to dance around, going "wah-wah-wah!" like he does, you better stop him cause once he gets going, he can deflect bullets. He was also nearly impossible to beat in an Indian strap match because of the whole "being an Indian," thing and all.

Randy Savage:" Men Who Are Macho"

Randy Savage, like most macho people, can identified by his preference for clothing in obnoxious dayglo colors, usually with some sort of tassels. This ensemble is usually completed with an
elaborate hat and matching sunglasses for full macho effect.
Randy is insanely jealous and flies into a murderous rage if anyone speaks to, looks at or thinks about looking at his woman, Elizabeth.
He has a weird voice like cookie monster, speaks in short choppy sentences and twitches a lot. When he is extra mad the veins in his neck pop out . It is unknown if this relates to his excessive consumption of the meat bi-product snack known as "Slim Jims."
Interesting fact; in England his name literally means "Horny Savage."

Junk Yard Dog: "African Americans"
JYD is a black person, which means that he enjoys dancing. On one of the wrestling albums, JYD sang a song called "Grab Them Cakes," about his appreciation for either baked goods or large asses, I'm not actually sure which. He has a raspy sort of dog voice and sometimes wears a dog collar around his neck. Dog collar matches were his specialty. Much like Wahoo McDaniel and his "Indian strap match," if you were thinking you could beat JYD in a dog-collar match, you may as well forget about it.

Aside from leash-wearing and crawling around on all fours, JYD has taken on other characteristics of a dog including barking, eating stuff off the sidewalk and attempting to lick his own balls.

Physics: Off The Top-Rope

Height plus distance equals pain.

The top rope is the place that makes things hurt the most. Say I elbowed you in the face. That hurts right? If I climbed up onto the second rope and elbowed you in the face, it would hurt so much more. If I went up to the top rope, jumped off and landed with my elbow right in your face, you might actually die.

The only counter-attack? Moving out of the way. The diving headbutt is a great example of this. Headbutting someone hurts but, as we've already established, if you climb up really high and jump onto someone, and hit them with your head, they might be killed. However, if your target were to move at the last second, causing your face and head to hit the ring, instead of their equally hard head, that could mean possible death for you.

Also, if you want to make something from the top rope even more dangerous, do some type of flip in the air before you land. More flips equals more hurting. Got it? This was first discovered in Mexico.

Things I've Learned From Pro Wrestling

"I've seen an old man have a heart attack in Manhattan.
Well he died while we just stood there lookin' at him." 

"USA! USA!"

I'm not from America. I was born and raised in Canada (Olympic Vancouver land). For the sake of this feature I will be referring to Americans as "we" and "us". If there is anything I've learned from wrestling it's that deep down, we are all Americans at heart or want to be. Fans from all over the world know you chant "USA! USA!" for the good guys. America is the greatest country in the world because of it's freedom.

Hulk Hogan: "Real Americans"

Hulk Hogan is a real American. He fights for the rights of everyone. You know this by the time he walks to the ring cause his handy them music tells you so. He bleaches his hair and handlebar mustache blond, hides his balding under a "cool," bandanna and has an intense orange tan. He calls everyone "dude," "man" or "brother"and espouses the religion of Hulkamania, a philosophy based on the awesomeness of his own self. Through training hard, saying your prayers, eating vitamins and wearing of the sacred canary yellow and red you shall receive enlightenment.  
Hulk hogan calls his enormous arms pythons, or sometimes guns. His muscley-ness is100% natural from eating shit-tons of vitamins and pumping iron on Venice Beach with his buddy Sting spotting him. He doesn't use steroids because that is cheating and cheating is not American. Hulk Hogan has never even seen a steroid. If you showed Hulk Hogan a steroid, he'd say "I have no idea what I'm supposed to be looking at, brother."

Mr. Fuji: "Asians"

Most Asians are sneaky and devious as typified by Mr. Fuji.

They are small and squint a lot but make up for their lack of size and ripped pythons with their innate understanding of the deadly art of karate. If an Asian person kicks you in the windpipe it can fuck your throat up real bad. They wear pajamas and sometimes eat raw fish. Japanese people call themselves "san". Like Mr. Fuji-san" and say "Banzai" when they are about to attack you and throw salt in your eyes when you're not looking.

This is called "Pearl Harboring" someone. Then you have to go "Hiroshima," and "Nagasaki," their asses.

There are no Chinese wrestlers, at least not that anyone knows about, because they are nearly impossible to tell apart from Japanese people. It is good form to simply say they are from "Asia" or "The Orient".

Hillbilly Jim: "Hicks"

The hick is the redneck's benevolent cousin. Hicks can be identified by their overalls, which they always wear into the ring, and the livestock they take with them everywhere they go. They are strong as bulls from lifting bails of hay, scooping up large turds and milking things all day.
Hilarity often ensues when hicks come to the big city to "rassle," and things play out Beverly Hillbillies style.
Sample interview:
"Hillbilly Jim! This locker room is a pig sty! Literally!"
"Well Mean Gene, I brought my favorite heifer Clara-Bell to the Joe Louis Arena tonight to watch me and the Hulkster hog-tie that no good Mr. Fuji and that dang Iron Sheik and then we're gonna have us a hoe down!" Cue annoying banjo music.

Kamala: "Ugandans"
Kamala is from the deepest, darkest jungles of Africa. He is a savage bush person, which means he is almost retarded. He enjoys slapping his fat belly and eating disgusting things. Kamala is so stupid that he needs a handler to lead him back and forth from the ring without eating anyone. He often forgets to roll a person over onto their back before pinning them. He has at various times in his career, licked his opponents blood off of his fingers and also referenced (through an interpreter) putting his opponents in a big pot and boiling them. All jungle people can, as I have learned from Bugs Bunny, manage to find at least one over-sized pot big enough to cook someone in.