"Can you hear the war cry? It's time to enlist."
IRS: "Shifty Accountants"
IRS's full name is Irwin R. Schyster, which, I guess, pretty much dictated his future career path. His intimidation techniques were along the line of "If I can't beat you up, I'll cripple you financially!"
He also made the poor decision - I think - to wrestle wearing loafers, suspenders and a tie.
He also made the poor decision - I think - to wrestle wearing loafers, suspenders and a tie.
At some point, you'd think someone would want to grab that tie and say... pull him around by the neck with it. Anyhow, IRS was one of a number of wrestlers who seemed to actually have day jobs (dogcatcher, garbage man, cowboy) and just said, "Fuck it, I just spent a long day at work, I'm not going to bother getting changed to wrestle."
This phenomenon also speaks to hard financial times; "Not only do I have to wrestle big dudes who wanna hurt me, I have to go out and be a fuckin' garbage man during the day." Brutal!
Bam Bam Bigelow: "Tattooed People"
This guy is pretty old-school with the whole "giant-head-tattoo," thing. Of course nowadays you see kids at the mall that look like this, all the time, but back in the 80's, Bammer looked like he belonged in the circus or something.
His tattoo also sort of made it look like he had hair on his head. It is a tattoo of flames, actually, which made it look like he had hair made of fire.
Steve Austin: "Rednecks"
Okay, check it out; before I even mention Steve Austin, I want to tell you about this other guy called The Sandman, who was a pretty awesome wrestler, except for the actual wrestling part. The Sandman used to walk to the ring to the tune "Enter Sandman," by Metallica, which seemed appropriate because he was "The Sandman," and he was ... "entering." The thing is, he'd wait until the entire song was finished before he got to the ring. It's not the longest song in the world but that's still a pretty long walk.
So, his ring outfit was pretty much just a t-shirt, some track pants and sneakers, so you could easily havebeen sitting on the couch watching The Sandman, while wearing the exact same thing he was. So the Sandman's "gimmick," I guess was that he was a super unwholesome type of dude, so he would saunter down to the ring to Metallica, smoking a cigarette. Sometimes he would smoke more than one and I'm not talking Andrew Dice Clay style, lighting it, waving it around for a bit, then throwing it away; I mean actually smoking it. There's more - he would actually drink beer on his way to the ring. He'd bring cans of Budweiser with him, crack a beer and pour the whole thing over his head, into his mouth, without hardly spilling a drop: impressive. He would sometimes drink as many as 3 full beers before the music stopped and then take the empty cans and smash them on his already-scarred-up forehead, 'til he was bleeding; an excellent strategy, I think. It says to your opponent "You want to smash me over the head? You wanna split my forehead open until I'm bleeding? Well I already did that to myself, so what else are you gonna do?"
Now, after all this drinking and smoking, he still had to stagger to the ring and try to wrestle. Try this sometime. Put "Enter Sandman," on the stereo and try to guzzle 3 entire beers before it's over. Then, for the hell of it, smash yourself in the forehead with the empty cans, until you're bleeding. You will be well on your way to getting fucked up.
So, Sandman would pretty much stumble around the ring, sauced, between attempts to do ridiculous things, like wrap barbed wire around himself and jump off the top rope onto people. Not sure why this is a good idea.
So, enter Mr. Austin. His whole deal is that he's a redneck, beer-drinking type guy who gives people the finger. He starts bringing beer to the ring and doing roughly the same thing, except he basically smashes beers together making them foam up all over the place and pours them all over his face and down his shirt. What's the point of this other than wasting beer? Why dump beer all over yourself and not get any in your mouth?
I've heard of smoking things and not inhaling, but drinking and not swallowing? Dumb.
Sgt. Slaughter: "Marines "
Sgt Slaughter loves freedom so much he went to war and killed a bunch of people who hate it. He is pretty fat and old but has the power of America behind him. He calls people "maggots" and also calls wrestlers from communist countries "pinkos," which is something I've only ever heard Archie Bunker say.
Sarge is usually called upon to beat the crap out of various foreigners that threaten America and America's glorious freedom.
I never actually heard Sarge use the word "sand-nigger," but I could tell that he was thinking it a bunch.
Mr. Perfect: "Arrogant Jerks"
Mr. Perfect is pretty much just a cocky asshole. He used to demonstrate his perfection by throwing a towel behind his back and catching it somehow. He used to also chew gum and spit it out of his mouth, then slap it out of the air with his hand. Needless to say, as a kid, I started to do this all the time. I would chew gum just so I could spit it out and slap it out of the air. I figure I connected roughly 75-80% of the time. I must have looked like quite an idiot spitting gum everywhere.
Sgt Slaughter loves freedom so much he went to war and killed a bunch of people who hate it. He is pretty fat and old but has the power of America behind him. He calls people "maggots" and also calls wrestlers from communist countries "pinkos," which is something I've only ever heard Archie Bunker say.
Sarge is usually called upon to beat the crap out of various foreigners that threaten America and America's glorious freedom.
I never actually heard Sarge use the word "sand-nigger," but I could tell that he was thinking it a bunch.
Mr. Perfect is pretty much just a cocky asshole. He used to demonstrate his perfection by throwing a towel behind his back and catching it somehow. He used to also chew gum and spit it out of his mouth, then slap it out of the air with his hand. Needless to say, as a kid, I started to do this all the time. I would chew gum just so I could spit it out and slap it out of the air. I figure I connected roughly 75-80% of the time. I must have looked like quite an idiot spitting gum everywhere.
