The Awesome Hall of Fame and The Hall of Total Bullshit

Awesome Hall of Fame: Black Santa

Where are you, Black Santa? Why are you so elusive during the holiday season? Could it be because white Santa is taking all the fucking jobs?

Hall of Total Bullshit - "Auto-Tune"
Wow. Now you can make yourself sound exactly like a robot that sucks shit!

Awesome Hall of Fame:Quaaludes 

Anyone remember Quaaludes ? I don't. If you've ever done these, congratulations you're old. I was listening to "Bikeage," this morning when I thought of them. Anyhow they sound delicious. Can I get a "lid" of "grass" with that please?

Hall of Total Bullshit: Grooming

I think it's funny when people say, "what's with all the beards?" Dude... What's with shaving?

Awesome Hall of Fame: Nurse Jackie

I bet she'd know where to get some Quaaludes.

Hall of Total Bullshit: Nutrasweet

Tastes nutra-shitty!

Awesome Hall of Fame: "The Way of The Samurai"

Mifune = radness.

Hall of Total Bullshit: Cloth Towel dispenser

I'm sorry but you have to be fucking joking.

Awesome Hall of Fame: Barfly

A holiday classic. To all my frieeeends!

Hall of Total Bullshit: Carnival Rides

I know what you're thinking; why wouldn't I trust rickety, rusted, creaking, ancient contraptions, that can easily be disassembled and folded up into the back of a truck in about 8 minutes by transient ex-cons I can only assume are drunk or stoned? Sorry, carnies, but if I wouldn't want you sitting on my couch, I'm not trusting you with my family's life.

The Awesome Hall of Fame and The Hall of Total Bullshit

"I'm not in love with Juke Box Jury. I'm not in love with 'Thank Your Lucky Stars." I'm not in love with T-T-T-Twiggy. Because I'm in love with Cathy McGowan."

Awesome Hall of Fame: Critical Mass

There seems to be a smear campaign going on in the media against critical mass. I've been reading about what a nuisance it is and what troublemakers the riders are; let me tell you something, I've been to a lot of these things; it's good clean family fun and the only people who get mad at being held up in traffic for an extra couple of minutes are the biggest dickheads you can imagine. 99.9% of drivers honk and wave. Don't believe the hype.

Hall of Total Bullshit: Fireworks

Fireworks on Halloween? Does this happen in any city other than Vancouver? What the fuck?

Thanks, fireworks vendors, for selling quarter sticks of dynamite to every asshole kid in my neighborhood, who'll then proceed to light them off in my back alley, for a month before and a month after Halloween. 

You can stick one up your butt and light it, as far as I'm concerned. Someone throw a match into one of these stores and do the world a favor.

Awesome Hall of Fame: Brown Note

Does this actually exist? I hope so. Imagine a record that was so good, it  actually made you take a crap in your pants! What an excellent sensory experience that would be.

Hall of Total Bullshit: War
It's like the songs says; Good God y'all. What is it good for? Absolutely nothin' Say it again.

Awesome Hall of Fame: Comb-over
I'm probably not too far away from one of these myself. Don't worry guys; no one will ever know...

Hall of Total Bullshit: Meter Maids
Not to be gender specific. "Meter-dude," doesn't have the same ring to it. Anyway, fuck these short-pants wearing, overzealous hall-monitor fucks in the fucking ear.
I'm not saying it's a good thing when someone intentionally runs over a parking pig, I'm just saying my tears dry fairly quickly.

Awesome Hall of Fame: Bubble Tea
Something about those weird chewy bits is habit forming.
If I ran the world, I'd just stick pearls in everything. Chew your coffee in the morning, what the hell?

Hall of Total Bullshit: Piss Shiver

So weird.

Awesome Hall of Fame: The Way of the Samurai
I'm not a religious or even very spiritual person, but if I ever make it to the afterlife and get to check out what God looks like, I'll bet good money he's a dead ringer for Toshiro Mifune. Wrong guy to fuck with, totally.

Hall of Total Bullshit: Steel Drums

Apologies to any Caribbeans out there, but I've reached the conclusion that any song with steel drums in it officially sucks shit.

The Awesome Hall of Fame And The Hall of Total Bullshit

"The guys in here are pretty cool. Three epileptics and the rest are fools. Well the rooms are rubber and they're painted pink. Now my blood's drippin' in the sink."

Awesome Hall of Fame - Turducken

Only in america! Evidently a hybrid between the words, duck, chicken and turd this delicious concoction is the result of asking; "what happens if we just stick a bird up the ass of another bird up the ass of another bird?" Snap!

Hall of Total Bullshit: Rockabilly

Just a head's up; the 50's are over.You look like a retard

Awesome Hall of Fame: Flowbee

Think: someone bought this and they, or perhaps some member of their family stuck their head into it.

Hall of Total Bullshit:Vomit Burp

So unexpected.

Awesome Hall of Fame - Freepour

This is how they pour liquor in a civilized society that doesn't treat it's citizen's like children. Instead of portioning it out like chemists ...

Hall of Total Bullshit: Burning Man

Finally! Another excuse for hippies to spread crabs in the desert! Hooray!

Awesome Hall of Fame:Street-za!

Greasy, disgusting ... delicious? Yep, yep.

Hall of Total Bullshit - Hummer

Dear Hummer Driver; Do you still exist? If so, can you try sticking your balls (or ovaries) into the microwave and turning it on, and then let me know if it sterilizes you or not? I'd appreciate it, thanks.

Awesome Hall of Fame:Superfluous nipple

A sign of virility in some cultures....

Hall of Total Bullshit: Trick-or-Treat Apple

I'm not referring to apples dipped in stuff, I'm talking straight up Macintosh, Spartan, Granny Smith, Red Delicious; whatever... if you give a kid a fucking apple on Halloween you might as well get a ladder ready ahead of time to remove the toilet paper from your trees. If you give me a toothbrush, your window's getting smashed.

The Awesome Hall of Fame And The Hall of Total Bullshit

"If your nose needs picking then go ahead. Don't flick the boogies, eat them instead."

Awesome Hall of Fame: Porta-Potty Urinal

I'd even forgoe nominating this as "Most Useful Invention Of The Century," and just nominate the motherfucker who came up with it for the Nobel Prize.

Hall of Total Bullshit: Guyliner
Dear mascara-wearing man; my objection to you has nothing to do with a lack of security in my masculinity and everything to do with you looking like a total dipshit. Signed yours truly.

Awesome Hall of Fame: Kittens In Cups

Even though the one on the left looks like it's starting to get pissed off, I have no idea why someone didn't think to do this sooner.

Hall of Total Bullshit: Brussel Sprouts

I don't care what anyone says, these taste like shit.

Awesome Hall of Fame: Can Ladies
If you aren't sure who I'm talking about, try putting a pop can down anywhere in East Vancouver and one will magically appear. They will sneak into your yard, jump your fence and risk life and limb by any other means necessary to grab that potential 5 cents. If you ask them to put your full can down cause it's not finished or say they need to buy something at the liquor store to return cans, they will instantly forget even the most basic English. I saw one once shrug blankly at a sign, written in every conceivable Asian dialect at a store, claiming, I guess, that she had no understanding of any language.

Hall of Total Bullshit: Waterbed

What sort of chemical did someone have to ingest before inventing this stupid thing?

People who insist that they like have sex on waterbeds can't possibly understand physics. Oh, and forget about getting up for a piss with someone sleeping beside you. All the stuff inside shifts and dumps them onto the floor. Sneaking out after an ill-advised rendez-vous? Impossible! Look's like you're staying for breakfast!

Awesome Hall of Fame: Beard Papa 

Pretty much makes "Krispy Kreme," his bitch.

Hall of Total Bullshit: Body Works

Fascinating, I know but how much creepier could this "Max-Von-Sydow-in-the-Exorcist,"

 looking motherfucker possibly be? Especially since it was revealed that some of his bodies were bought in bulk from countries with questionable human rights policies. Are you a student protestor in somewhere in China? Well now you might be not only executed by your fascist government, but displayed for all eternity with your skin peeled off, kicking a soccer ball, with your nutsack cut in half.

Awesome Hall of Fame: Harry Dean Stanton

Just because.

Hall of Total Bullshit: Tramp Stamp
Unless you have one of about three jobs I can think of, getting one of these just acknowledges that your butt will probably be hanging out of your pants a lot.

The Awesome Hall of Fame & The Hall of Total Bullshit

"The badge means you suck, a child lays there dead. When you look back, what goes through your head?"

Awesome Hall of Fame: Frank Frazetta

 Simply the best. If there is some type of supreme being, controlling our humble universe, I want ask why he felt the need to call upon Frank Frazetta and Dio at almost exactly the same time? Is this part of some larger plan?

Hall of Total Bullshit: Can-Con

In case you were wondering, this is the reason we have Nickelback, The Barenaked Ladies Our Lady 

Peace & Brian Adams to name a few. It's also why you are guaranteed to hear the same couple of songs by Rush, The Tragically Hip, Loverboy, April Wine, Kim Mitchell or  Guess Who songs on a constant rotation at least once per hour on classic rock radio. It's not because someone at that station likes them especially;  It's because it's actually the law.

Awesome Hall of Fame: Java Jacket

Even the idea that someone invented this is completely ridiculous, yet now, whenever I don't have one, I automatically think, "How the fuck am I going to pick up this hot cup of coffee without burning living shit out of myself?"

I bet the guy who invented these is richer than God.

Hall of Total Bullshit: Mothballs

Moths hate these because they stink. So, who's actually the idiot?

Awesome Hall of Fame: "The Kids"

Yes, Milo (left) and Violet (right)  are actually shaking hands.  If this were much cuter, I might actually start to hemorrhage.

Hall of Total Bullshit: Bettie Page

Okay, so you made a bunch of spanking videos a hundred years ago. Why do I care about you again? 

Oh, wait: I don't.

Awesome Hall of Fame: Scented Poop Bag

Why endure the unpleasant odor of dog shit, when you can enjoy the much more palatable smell of dog shit and vanilla!

Hall of Total Bullshit: Zima

Remember Zima? What the hell was that?

Awesome Hall of Fame: Tourettes

If I had to have a serious neurological disorder I'd want it to be one that made me tell everyone to suck my ass, and get away with it.

Hall of Total Bullshit: Faux-hawk

Most retarded haircut ever. I bet this guy could go for an ice-cold Zima right about now.