The Awesome Hall of Fame and The Hall of Total Bullshit

Awesome Hall of Fame: Black Santa

Where are you, Black Santa? Why are you so elusive during the holiday season? Could it be because white Santa is taking all the fucking jobs?

Hall of Total Bullshit - "Auto-Tune"
Wow. Now you can make yourself sound exactly like a robot that sucks shit!

Awesome Hall of Fame:Quaaludes 

Anyone remember Quaaludes ? I don't. If you've ever done these, congratulations you're old. I was listening to "Bikeage," this morning when I thought of them. Anyhow they sound delicious. Can I get a "lid" of "grass" with that please?

Hall of Total Bullshit: Grooming

I think it's funny when people say, "what's with all the beards?" Dude... What's with shaving?

Awesome Hall of Fame: Nurse Jackie

I bet she'd know where to get some Quaaludes.

Hall of Total Bullshit: Nutrasweet

Tastes nutra-shitty!

Awesome Hall of Fame: "The Way of The Samurai"

Mifune = radness.

Hall of Total Bullshit: Cloth Towel dispenser

I'm sorry but you have to be fucking joking.

Awesome Hall of Fame: Barfly

A holiday classic. To all my frieeeends!

Hall of Total Bullshit: Carnival Rides

I know what you're thinking; why wouldn't I trust rickety, rusted, creaking, ancient contraptions, that can easily be disassembled and folded up into the back of a truck in about 8 minutes by transient ex-cons I can only assume are drunk or stoned? Sorry, carnies, but if I wouldn't want you sitting on my couch, I'm not trusting you with my family's life.

Things I've Learned From Pro Wrestling

"Whoa-oh-oh, I got erection."

Paul Bearer - "Necrophiliacs"
Sure, they never actually came out and said ol' Paul liked to do the deed with the dead, but how else could we possibly explain what this guy's deal was?

Dusty Rhodes - "American Dreams"

Was a big fat dude who talked like that weird guy from the Louisiana cooking show. He was notable for a large purple blotch across his stomach and lots of weird  scars on his forehead from razor blades (uh... I mean battling evil.) When he got to the WWF he started wearing yellow polka dots, presumably to attract attention away from the blotch. One of the most beloved wrestlers of all-time.

Chris Benoit - "Canadian Cripplers"

Oh, Chris Benoit, I hesitate to even mention you. You were from Canada, were very intense and a terrific wrestler but had no real personality. Then you went nuts, killed your family and committed suicide. There's not really anything funny I can say about that.

Trish Stratus - "Feminists"

Trish promoted gender equality, proving once and for all that women could do more than just stand at ringside. They can do anything inside the ring that a man can do, as long as they do it with enormous breast implants.

"Criminal Law"

So once in awhile bad guy will take things to next level and actually kidnap someone.We all vividly remember "The Twin Towers," kidnapping Miss Elizabeth, on Saturday Night's Main Event, live on NBC .

There's like a thousand people in the audience, can somebody call a cop or something? I mean if there's crime being committed right in front of you, you'd think someone would offer some help, not just stand there and boo. Imagine Rodney King was getting beaten up and instead of grabbing a camera, the guy just walked over and started going "booooo!" What exactly is booing anyway? I mean, swearing isnt great, cause there's kids around, but if you were to say "fuck you," for example everyone knows what that means. Come to think of it, the 90's was probably the time when people figured out they could give wrestlers the finger.

So anyhow, depending on what degree they take this abduction stunt to, the bad guy may even have his opponent's lady tied up and looking uncomfortable in someway. I always thought this didn't make a ton of sense logistically. Are they keeping her locked up in a room somewhere against her will? Are they feeding her or letting her use the bathroom? Depending on how creepy the wrestlers in question are, rubbing their hands together, laughing and such, it almost seems to insinuate that they are raping her.

Uh, weird. Of course they will wait until the designated time to settle this, live on pay-per-view.

Then when the good guy wins it, and rescues the fair damsel, she'll kiss him on the cheek and say "my hero," all Super Mario style.