December 31, 2009

The Earth's Greatest Album Covers. Ever!!!!!! - Nazareth "The Fool Circle"

"I Won't Open A Letterbomb For You."
There's a lot going on here. A dolphin. A jockey dude riding it ... off of a cliff. On closer inspection you can see the dolphin actually has the ass and hind legs of a horse. Interesting.
What does this say about the title of the album? Is this jockey a fool because he's riding his dolphin-horse off of a cliff? Probably. Is the zero on the back of the dolphin's horse ass a reference to the fool (or full, if you will) circle of the album title? There are so many questions left unanswered. And that's the great thing about art, really.

The Awesome Hall of Fame & The Hall Of Total Bullshit

"Sex Bomb Baby. Yeah!"
Let's be honest with each other for a moment here. We don't know each other very well. Neither of us is sure if we want to pursue this relationship. Blogger - blog reader. It's a big commitment. That's why I thought it'd be nice to get a few things out of the way before we go any further. Ever notice how some things are awesome and how other things are complete bullshit. Me too. Here are a few of each in a thing I like to call
"The Awesome Hall Of Fame" and"The Hall Of Total Bullshit." Keep score at home if you like.
Awesome Hall Of Fame: Pabst Blue Ribbon
The kids are broke. The kids wanna drink. Drink tickets at finer dives across the USA are often good for well-drinks and PBR only. In America it is simply "what the punks drink". With it's arrival in Canada, Vancouver's all-knowing "Georgia Straight"  has proclaimed PBR to be a "hipster beer".
What-the fuck-ever.
Hall Of Total Bullshit: Bicycle Theft
 I'm not talking about the bike you borrowed and forgot to give back or the one that someone left in the ditch behind your house and didn't claim. I'm talking about coming into a complete stranger's yard, smashing their U-Lock and ripping them off.
If this has ever been you, then you are a complete and utter piece of shit. Case closed.
Awesome Hall Of Fame: Rock Vans
Faithful Steed. Road-worn beast. This is a rock van. Not to be confused with the "perv van". The most notable differences between the 2: the absence of either a) curtains b) a teardrop * (See also Fu Manchu) Have I "gotten lucky" in this vehicle many have asked.  Absolutely; if you consider waking up in a bunk with your face half an inch from the ceiling next to some other dude's wet socks lucky.






*(perv van, avec teardrop)




Hall Of Total Bullshit: Cops
Just look at these assholes will you? I'm sure there are a few cops in the world, who deep down, are okay people but really, what difference does it make, when your job is to be a fucking dick.
Awesome Hall Of Fame: Enormous Roadside Monstrosities
If you're ever taken a road trip across Canada or the US, you've seen a few of these "world's largest" objects. This is the "World's Largest Perogy on A Fork," in Glendon Alberta. Also notable; "The World's Large Adirondack Chair" in Varney Ontario, "The World's Largest Uranium Atom" in Elliot Lake, The World's Largest Mosquito" in Komarna MB, The World's Largest Sasquatch Man In A Loincloth" in Vermillion Bay and "The World's Largest Curling Rock" in my hometown of Thunder Bay ON.
Get out of the car, stretch your legs, take a piss, let the brats run around, take a few snapshots. Fun for the whole family.
Hall Of Total Bullshit: Facebook
I realize that not being on Facebook ranks just behind leprosy for cutting you out the social loop but y'know what? I'm not doing it. Not just because anyone I haven't kept in contact with from highschool is someone I, most likely don't want to be in contact with. Not just because incriminating pictures of myself posted by complete strangers never to be deleted sounds like a bad idea and I don't want to contribute to it myself. The #1 reason I am not on Facebook is ... I got pulled into a US customs office at the US/Canada border and was ... fucking googled by the border cop to "see if I was in a band". I realize foreigners coming across the US border to play for gas money and a couch to sleep on are taking jobs away from American citizens, but come on. Facebook is the newest, most effective way for "the man" to fuck with you, plain and simple.This dude in the Tinkerbell outfit? He had a family emergency and had to take off at the last minute from his job at a bank. Busted on Facebook. Bono?  Just hangin' out, getting cozy with his bikini-clad, barely legal platonic friends recently. Busted on Facebook. It's big brother, people... and not the guy who takes you out to a baseball game because you don't have a dad or whatever.
Awesome Hall Of Fame: The Burrito
How many of these bad boys have I scarfed down, up and down life's many highways. Ideally, big and sloppy (like your mutha!) and with your choice of beans (not like your mother). I prefer black (beans that is). Mmm burritos are good.


Hall Of Total Bullshit: Pitchfork
Okay. It's not just the long-winded, self important reviews. It's not their "be-all end-all" status among the painfully cool or the "ultra-precise" fractional ratings.
The thing I hate about these experts is that, for all their obscure hyper-referencing they don't bother to do their homework enough to cover up the fact that their knowledge of music in general is extremely limited. The first instance I noticed was in a review of The Legendary Demo by Clouds. I quote;
"Another stinker, the very Clutch-like knuckle-dragger, Magic Hater, just takes way too long to shake it all out." Okay, so for those that don't know, the tune "Magic Hater," is not an original Clouds tune. It's a pretty faithful cover of "Willie The Pimp," by Frank Zappa that they just changed the name of, I assume to avoid paying royalties. Holy shit. I'm no Zappa completist but everybody and their Uncle has heard that song at least a grillion times. There is no mistaking it. Adam McGrath's vocals also sound nothing like Clutch ... that's the kicker ... the Clutch-like quality of this knuckle dragger can be attributed directly to a guy called ... wait for it ... Captain Beafheart! What the fuck are they teaching kids in school today? I now realize that many Pitchfork reviewers are 17 year old kids who are whizzes at referencing every "metalcore" band these guys played in and ... Alabama Thunderpussy and the incredibly obscure (yawn) Clutch but how do you not fucking know this? The ghost of Lester Bangs just crawled up your back stairs dragging a sack of chains, like Jacob Marley (not one of Bob's kids by the way ) and took a piss on your face. Who's your editor?
Okay gaffe #2 and, bear in mind I can honestly say the number of Pitchfork reviews I've cared enough to read is in the low double digits (like ten); Vancouver folkies Lightning Dust dropped an awesome left-field cover on their "Infinite Light" album. I was curious, did anyone else pick up on this one? Pitchfork? "Wondering what Everyone Knows" is, according their reviewer, "a kind of homage to paranoid doomed-love ballads once emoted by Lesley Gore and Nancy Sinatra." Uh ... sure ... it's also a fucking Budgie song from arguably their best album, "In For The Kill". What are you fucking retarded? They still have records that were made before you were born ... like ... at the store and stuff right? Maybe you went out for a piss and missed one of the best heavy bands of the 70's. It's okay. They actually recorded some of their stuff just in case you did. I invite you to eat 8.7 dicks.

December 29, 2009

Van Halen X-Mas Eruption !!!!

Part of what made my holiday season special this year was my grandmother-in-law bringing by these wicked old-school Van Halen napkins for all us to enjoy. Pa-na-ma!



New Bison BC Album To Feature Yours Truly of "LF/DF"

New Bison/Live Fast/Die Fast Collaboration Out ... Sometime
Okay, so just a quick heads up to everyone, I'll be making my Metal Blade Records debut later this year on the new album by Vancouver's Bison B.C., (not to be confused with Halifax's Bison N.S. or the "University of Manitoba's Fighting Buffalo of Certain Death & Dismemberment").
I popped down to the The Hive Creative Labs last night to lay down some vocals with producer Jesse Gander .
You can hear me singing the lines "whoa-oa/whoa-oh-oh/- (refrain)" on track whose name momentarily escapes, me and also doing a great anguished scream on another good one that's called something or other. Also featuring me is the line "make it louder" on one that's most-likely untitled at the time of this publication. I am, of course accompanied by 30-40 of my closest/acquaintances/ a few total strangers.  That album, again is available later this year and is tentatively entitled "TBA"! You heard it here first. Shoot me an e-mail if you want me to put you down for a copy. I will totally autograph it for you at your request.

December 21, 2009

Vancouver Live Show Picks; December 21, Congress, Bogus Tokus @ The Biltmore

It's probably short notice but I'll be attending this show ... tonight! You should too and buy me a drink while you're at it. Splat!

 

Some Records Of 2009

 "Welcome To Krell"
 Greetings, Happy Holidays and all the rest to everyone. I’ll dispense with the formalities on LF/DF’s virgin post and bid farewell to 2009 by digging into a few of the year’s best albums. Kay? Here goes;
Wino - Punctuated Equilibrium (Southern Lord)
After making the as the perennial guest star, with everyone from Probot to Clutch, 2009 saw Wino finally released a proper solo record. It’s bluesy, heavy and proves once again why St. Virus  would have been 100 times better if they let him play guitar.
Not discounting his charm as gnarly old metal dude, who cheated death from smack addiction million to be finally recognized as an icon so many in the underground/doom/dirtbag scene, it’s really all about the guitar solos.
He has been credited by many as the number one doom/sludge guitar hero not named Iommi as well as keeping the genre, along with himself, alive through the 80’s and 90’s.
You practically feel the heat from the tubes burning in his gorgeous Sunn Model T (original, yo). Peter Green could apparently bring a tear to BB King’s eye with the sweet tone of his Les Paul. Wino does the same for me with his.
Iron Age - The Sleeping Eye (Tee Pee)
Here's a band that wasn't on my radar last year, delivering easily one the standout records of year. Tight, crunchy, razor-sharp thrash riffs and harsh screamed vocals flowing seamlessly into atmospheric gloom and back again. Another band that's not afraid to keep things interesting, slowing things down to a trudge or creating eerie, hypnotic soundscapes and when you let your guard down ...  bam! face-punch! Is this experimental hardcore? Prog thrash? Do genres really exist anymore? Who cares. For all it's epic scope, this is still an album to break your fucking neck to.

 Sacrifice - The Ones I Condemn (Sonic Unyon)
The masters have returned to show the kids who’s boss. This is the first Sacrifice album in 16 long years and it’s on ... Sonic Unyon? I knew when Early Man’s album came out on Matador that some weird shit happening in the universe. In case you were expecting anything different, this is an absolutely sick blast of venomous old school thrash. Rejoice!
Pink Mountaintops - Outside Love (Jagjaguar)
On to a different end of the spectrum; Pink Mountaintops last album, Axis of Evol, wasn't, as they say, my bag of dicks. I found it tedious, monotonous and droning; a good record to nod out with a cigarette burning between your fingers to.
Deliberately minimalist in contrast with the scuzzy rock guitars and wailing vocals of Black Mountain, Pink Mountaintops are meant to showcase the softer side of Steve McBean, often without the aid of the Black Mountain Army. Well that idea was shot to hell when “Stay Free” a more or less solo acoustic number appeared on the Spiderman movie soundtrack a number of years ago, credited to Black Mountain.
Outside Love is something completely different from either. Angelic choirs, strings, swelling synths. There are tracks on this record that are making Phil Spector smile in jail cell somewhere.Know what? It’s great. Dramatic but unpretentious, uplifting but not sappy, whimsical but not nauseating. A great Sunday morning record. Bring it on a picnic.
Children - Hard Times Hanging At The End Of The World (Kemado)
Johnny from S.T.R.E.E.T.S.’ new band picks up where he left off, more swirling space-rock interludes. longer and more progressive song structure and more complex and delicious riffs. Children are definitely a guitar band - with no live bass player, this would make sense - and while it helps fill out the sound on the record, there isn’t much space in the dense riffage left for the bass to occupy. Anyone who complains about what a “fad” the resurgence of thrash is, citing the lack of originality of so-called “retro’ thrash bands like Municipal Waste or Fuelled by Fire should have a listen to this. This is space thrash for the new millennium. I did not hear a better album this year.
Doomriders - Darkness Come Alive (Deathwish Inc)
This is the eagerly awaited follow up to “Black Thunder”, which came out way back in 2005 as you obviously know. I’ve listened to that thing a lot of times in four years, so I had high hopes for this new disc.
The song “Crooked Path” came out on a split with Disfear as a bit of a preview and I dug it. Then when “Come Alive” was available on the web a few days before the album release,
I was a bit concerned that their sound had changed. There’s much thinner guitar sound and the vocals bear more than a passing resemblance to Mr. Glenn Danzig.
No worries, as that song turned out to be this album’s answer to Black Thunder’s “Midnght Eye”; a more subdued, almost radio friendly track, featuring Nate’s “singy” voice and not his nasty “shouty” voice.
Whereas, “Midnight Eye”, always makes me automatically press skip when it comes on, “Come Alive” is probably this album’s best track. “Crooked Path” also makes a strong case for itself.
So what about the rest of it?
The album opener “Heavy Lies the Crown” is pretty classic, but after that I find the record gets a bit sameish sounding. Their rock meets metal sound is a bit more like metal meets hardcore this time. The delivery is almost the same but instead of anthems like “Ride or Die”,“The Chase, or “Death Box”, the tone is more dark and brooding. This works on the more melodic tunes “Come Alive” and “Crooked Path,” but the fast, fist-pumping stuff has a bit too much angst-ridden tough-guy posturing.
Some of the best music is pissed off music, but they sang “get off my fuckin’ back,” last time around it was the type of pissed off you get when the cops make you and your friends pour your beer out at the park, not the type of “no one understand me, man” pissed off that makes you want to go and lift weighs and then punch the first kid in the pit that bumps into you. More than worth a spin, though.
Saviours - Accelerated Living (Kemado)
Of course they rule, they're from Oakland. What do you expect from the town that allegedly coined the term “hella”. Saviours are becoming the band of choice for the modern hesher. It’s all you expect. Technical excellence but still loose enough to get drunk to. The production has a bit more punch and the vocals are up a bit in the mix. A bit more groove and less gallop than the last record. The riffs sound a bit greasier like The Priest before they started pumping out pop-metal crap that inspired “Heavy Metal Parking Lot”. You need all this.

Bloodhorse - Horizoner (Translation Loss)
These guys love to milk the slow build up. “A Good Son” kicks off the record and it’s more “intro” than song; a full 6 minutes of a 10 minute tune! These cats seem to base more riffs around the drums than any band since the Melvins. Dale Crover’s style of “pushing air” with mammoth kick and snare sounds, Alex Rivera-Garcia dances across the toms and hi-hats, tight snare rolls suggesting the melody rather than bludgeoning with power. Their debut (called EP) if anything suffered from too many extended and unnecessary drum intros. Don’t forget what Keith Moon himself said; “drum solos are fucking boring”.
For all their jazz leanings, there’s enough bludgeoning here to keep me happy. Especially once some fucking guitars (!!!!) come into the mix. Tunes flow together in tidal waves of sludge, changing rhythms and time signatures and never going for the obvious. They manage to turn out one of the most interesting (and heavy)  records of the year.