Uh ... Really?

"Skate to live. And live to skate. Hate to love. And love to hate."

No offense, McDonalds, but I'm not sure how much I really want to eat something called an, "ogre-load."

Hunt & Gather - NWOBHM Rarities Profile: Diamond Head

"Gary don't need his eyes to see. Gary and his eyes have parted company."

Samson - Head On (1980)

So, the dork on the cover here is Samson's drummer, Thunderstick. Thunderstick is unique in that he had his own gimmick,  which he took with him, into whichever band he played with. I have never heard of a band where one band member wears a costume (in this case like the gimp from Pulp Fiction) and has an image completely separate from all the other members of the band. Imagine Ace Frehley, in full Spaceman garb, joining Foghat in 1975, except Kiss never existed and everybody else in his new band went by their real names and wore street clothes.
'stick, incidentally, made the rounds with many English metal bands and played in an early incarnation of Iron Maiden but passed out drunk behind the kit too much and was fired.

The band Samson from this period intrigues me very much. What an interesting clash of egos it must have been, with the aforementioned Mr. Stick, featured prominently on the cover, guitarist Paul Samson, the band's founding member and namesake and future Iron Maiden vocalist Bruce Dickinson fronting the whole show. Who played bass? Chris Aylmer. Who the hell is that? Exactly.

Onto the record - first off, the mix is horrible - All drums! Stick actually plays well but he's got one of those really tight snare drums. "peng! peng! peng!"

Anyhow, the first couple of tracks are nothing special, catchy but a little too commercial sounding. By the time they get to "Hammerhead," I'm into it. What a great song. It reminds me of "Run to The Hills," the way the drum rolls following the lines of the chorus and sort of drive it home. I don't know if it's the quality of Bruce's voice but you want to sing along with him. Then instead of getting wimpy or boring with the deeper cuts, they get kind of bizarre, with some weird tempo changes and experimental stuff. There's some sort of outer space martian theme that runs throughout. It's not the greatest but still very original and well done. There are some very good songs on this album and "Hammerhead" belongs on any best of NWOBHM mix tape. Samson don't sound gritty like early Maiden. They sound like Dickinson period Maiden. Weird. In fact in you put this record on and told me it was the new Iron Maiden record I'd say, "Hey, it beats the shit out of "Dance of Death." Scream for me Long Beach! Scream for meeee!

Di'Anno - Di-Anno (1984)

My admiration of Paul Di'Anno, vocalist, unfortunately doesn't translate to Paul Di'Anno lyricist. The first tune gives us the brilliant rhymes - remember-September, user-loser, bad-sad. How about lover-undercover?

I can understand how, after fronting one of the best bands ever, Paul would want to mix things up a bit and do something that harshly sucked. This fits the bill nicely. Neutered synth-rock bullshit through and through.
Holy shit, man. You used to be the singer in Iron Maiden. Go kill yourself. Paul may have actually hired the guy who played synths on "Eye of the Tiger," cause that's exactly how it sounds. More suck for the buck with this one. Buy it on vinyl if you like Frisbee.

Lionheart -Hot Tonight (1984)
Speaking of humongous pieces of shit, this turd is at least partially the fault of Dennis Stratton, ex of ... you guessed it - Iron Maiden! Notice a theme here?

                                 1) Leave Iron Maiden,

                                 2) Employ keyboards (and in this case smooth jazz style saxophone)

                                 3) Suck balls

This doesn't just suck balls, mind you, it practically inhales them. Or something. I'm just going to bail out of the ball-sucking metaphor at this point, confident that my point has been made.
Not Good.
Dennis Stratton, for anyone not aware, played guitar on the first Iron Maiden album, when Dave Murray was already in the band but before Adrian Smith. Legend has it that he kicked out of the band because he liked the Eagles. I know it is most likely not true but I really, really want it to be. Anyhow, you get a big F for this one Mr. Stratton, a lousy attempt at commercial pop metal.
Interesting side note the drummer was a Def Leppard reject and the original singer of this band was Jesse Cox, the original singer of Tygers of Pan Tang, who in case you're not familiar with his work, should have been renamed Jesse Balls because he harshly sucks them. Thank you and good night!

Witchfinder General - Death Penalty (1982)
As you can probably guess by the album cover of the band holding a knife to the throat of a topless woman above an open grave, these guys were an early feminist rock band. Despite their penchant for schlocky covers, this band is considered an important influence on the doom metal genre. Even saying that is sort of funny because, most times, what being a doom-pioneer means is ripping off Black Sabbath before most people were.
Some groovy heavy stuff with shitty drumming. I was listening to (doom-pioneers) "Pentagram," a lot around the time I heard this and they are similar in some ways.
The singer has sort of a little boy voice that he punctuates occasionally with what, I'm sure is supposed to sound like a Halford-esque shriek but is actually just his voice cracking. Normally this might be enough to write an album off but, goddammit, it gets better.
The guitarist is good, but not just a talented player and the melodic instrumental passages somehow manage to guide the song up to another level. In fact after the first couple minutes of the very first song (unfortunately for them) they settle into a nice groove. I'm not sure what to say about these guys who seemingly have everything from aesthetics to lack of talent working against them but I enjoy their music for some reason.
You have to love the lyrics, "let's drink some mushroom tea," rhymed with "amphetamine is real good speed," on "Free Country." The song is basically a list of drugs that are cool to do. They make sure to mention that heroin is bad and can kill you. Thanks for the tip, guys. They also have a habit of using really dramatic acoustic quiet parts, with unintentionally hilarious lyrics for intros and . "Homicidal Killers, can you tell me what they're worth," is from the song "Death Penalty," which I at first though was supposed to be lamenting how unfair capital punishment is, but then it seems to be lamenting how unfair it is for a homicidal killer to murder someone - or how unfair it is to execute a homicidal killer. Finally I understand it to mean capital punishment is cool, let's kill murderers. Okey-dokey.
"No Stayer," includes the line; "I want a lay, I wanna make you scream do you know what I mean." Now, if it was Vince Neil saying this, or some other creep who actually does creepy shit, like fuck groupies with mud sharks, it would piss me off but our prepubescent and oh so earnest young man, I think it's just darling.
The best line of that particular song is; "back at my place she was in the mood/she sucked and licked my (food)*/when it was running all over her face/she rolled over and then we screwed.
*I had to look this up on the interweb. It sounded to me more like "sucked and licked my shoe," which is actually less disgusting.
It's like listening to "Sit on My Face Stevie Nicks," by the Rotters. There are some lines in there that are absolutely gross but can be taken with a grain of salt because the singer is obviously seventeen years old and a fucking idiot
"Burning a Sinner," with it's references to "sizzling flesh," is a bit distasteful, especially since they can't really make the argument that they're being ironic in a "Kill The Poor," sort of way to denounce violence, considering the whole 'gleefully-slitting-the-throat-of-topless-on-woman-album-cover' thing. That's too bad, since it's about time for someone to take a strong stand on witch burning.
Now I'm going to break with tradition and show a photo of a band not featured in a profile.
Here's 2 of the band members (can't be fucked to remember who right now) not long (few years maybe?)  before this recording. Suck and lick my food indeed.

Raven - Rock Until You Drop (1981)
I put these guys in the same category as the band "Anvil," in that they don't seem to understand the concept of irony. they just wanna rock. Rock 'til they drop apparently. They do. The riffs are pretty fast and furious, thrashy in parts and John Gallagher's falsetto is pretty off the hook. They seem like they are having a lot of fun. The lyrics are pretty basic, but delivered with unbridled enthusiasm. Not essential by any means, but not too shabby either. I feel like I need to the band a really great quote like "these guys are pretty one-dimensional - and that dimension is rawk!!! Not really brain scientists or rocket surgeons but what the fuck? For intensity, enthusiasm and some pretty in-your-face shredding, these are your guys.

Brian Tatler - Guitar

Sean Harris - Vocals

Duncan Scott - Drums

Colin Kimberly - Bass

Brian Tatler

Brian Tatler

Sean Harris

Colin Kimberly

Duncan Scott

The story of Diamond Head is an epic tragedy, the story of a band that could have been enormous but mismanaged itself into oblivion, was resurrected and will ultimately have to settle for being well respected by bands who went on to greater success. They pioneered a highly influential style almost accidentally and then, as if they set out to prove what an accident it was, they altered their sound drastically enough to nearly erase all memory of their former glory.

Diamond Head started in 1976 in Stourbridge England by guitarist Brian Tatler and drummer Duncan Scott. The line-up was completed by singer Sean Harris and bassist Colin Kimberly. The band cut a number of self-financed demos which generated interest but they were reluctant to sign with a management company (rejecting offers from Q-Prime) and at one point were instead managed by Harris' mother. 1000 copies of Lightning to The Nations were self-released in a plain white cardboard sleeve through one mail-order ad (which was withdrawn after they failed to pay for it) and at shows.
From there they made the unfortunate mistake of distancing themselves from their earlier material and also re-recording their most popular tracks as soon as they got a record contract. The band's reputation suffered as they were portrayed badly in print media and followed a more commercial sound, claiming they were bored with heavy metal and rock  Their King-Arthur inspired "Canterbury," was the last straw. They lost their record deal and faded into oblivion. The band has since reformed a number of times with different rhythm sections and, ultimately a different singer. Most renewed interest in the band was directly attributable to Metallica who endlessly championed them, let them open for them and covered their material.

Monsters of Rock 1983

Lightning To The Nations (1980)

The story behind this album is an usual one. It is, however one of the best, if not the best album of the entire New Wave of British Heavy Metal and certainly one of the most influential metal records of all time. The seven tracks were recorded as a demo in 7 days, originally released in a white cardboard sleeve signed by one member of the band. It was retitled "Lightning to the Nations," and given a new (hideous) cover with a cheap looking photo of a map on fire. Though not a commercial success due to management ineptitude, the  raw sound of the album and Tatler's innovative playing made it highly influential, most notably to a group of young men who called themselves Metallica. To their credit, Metallica were never shy about citing them as an influence, recording covers of "Am I Evil?" and "Helpless," two of the heaviest songs ever written and single-handedly revived Diamond Head's career.

Every single song is an absolute ass-kicker full of memorable riffs arrangements and, occasionally, lyrics. Tatler's abrasive guitar sound was copied almost exactly by Metallica for their debut album "Kill 'em All." If there is a low-point it would have to be Sean Harris' weak singing. He sounds either unconvincingly tough or seems as though he's trying to try on Robert Plant's whiny and effeminate, yet lecherous persona. His double-tracked moaning on "Sucking My Love," was probably meant to sound like the middle section of "Whole Lotta Love," but has often been described as sounding like he was having sex with himself.

Borrowed Time (1982)

For their next album, the band made the classic mistake of trying to improve on perfection and record new versions of "Am I Evil?" and "Lightning To The Nations." The much-too-polished studio production manages to scrub away any intensity and aggression until they sound like a different band. The band generally sounds weak and Sean Harris' vocals have unwisely become the focus.

I can imagine the producer of this one talking to the engineers in the booth; "Uh ... can we make the guitars a bit muddier? Can we bury them in the mix a bit more? Can we turn the shitty vocals up more? Hey, Sean can you try to sound a bit more like a pussy when you sing the next take? More whoa-oh-oh's please. Oh, and more reverb on every drum. Thanks."

With the re-done tracks from the previous album, that leaves only 5 new songs on this album. I had to laugh when I was looking at the track listing on the re-issued version when I saw, "In The Heat of the Night (extended version)". That song is is about four minutes too long to begin with and sucks to boot. How the mighty have fallen.

Canterbury (1983)

Canterbury is a pretty good title for this record because I can't believe how terrible it is andbecause it buried them.

They seem borrow Bon Jovi's backup vocals and dickless production and that's not the worst of it. I'm not sure if crack had been invented in 1983 but I can't imagine what else they could have been smoking that would cause them to think this keyboard-heavy slop with a King Arthur theme was a good idea. At this point the band started saying that they weren't interested in being a metal band anymore. It is obvious.

Outsider Artists, Eccentric Geniuses & Straight-Up Nutcases

"When I say I'm in love, you best believe I'm in love. L-U-V. "

Gary Wilson 
Recorded, "You Think You Really Know Me," an album of bizarre, yet danceable tunes, partially in his parent's basement and pressed an original run of only about 300 albums. His concerts were part performance art and often involved him dousing himself with paint, milk and flour, and wrapping himself in cellophane and duct tape.

He retired from music in the early 80's after releasing only a few more singles.  His distinctive yelp is said to have inspired, "Prince," in some form and, "Beck," also cites Gary as an influence. Gary staged a comeback a in the late 90's and produced another album just as weird as the first. He plays occasionally, only in Southern California, as he is afraid of flying and refuses to tour.

Peter Green
Legendary British blues guitarist fronted the original Fleetwood Mac until his schizophrenia became debilitating. At the onset of his descent into madness he penned, possibly his greatest song  "The Green Manalishi With The Two-Prong Crown," a song that is absolutely chilling to listen to, despite the fact that there is great speculation to what it actually means.

Mr. Chi Pig
His lyrics ranged from bittersweet to demented, often in the same song and transcended SNFU's energetic skate-punk. The unusual imagery of his artwork and his sense of humor defined the band. Onstage his use of bizarre props, daredevil leaps and his all-around stage presence made them legendary.
Many were shocked when the normally reclusive Chi appeared looking haggard, clearing tables at the Cobalt. He's gotten his life and a new version of his band together and is back performing.

6025
The erstwhile Carlos Cadona was originally the Dead Kennedy's original drummer but switched to second guitar when Bruce Slesinger joined. He wrote "Forward To Death," and the music to "Ill In The Head," from "Fresh Fruit For Rotting Vegetables," (the latter is the only studio-recorded song he played on) as well as "Religious Vomit," "Short Songs," and "Straight A's". He had creative differences with Biafra and left to play prog-rock. He is rumored to have played with "The Residents," for a brief period before becoming a recluse. His mother became his legal trustee as he was no longer able to care for himself and, according to DK members, he is now a born-again Christian who has spent much of his time writing a Punk/Gospel rock opera.

Gaahl

Norwegian Black Metal is a genre based around image and theatrics rather than actual music. Acts of sacrilege and vandalism seemed the fastest route to gaining prominence in the scene for young men in black and white paint with silly nicknames borrowed from Tolkien novels. Of them, Gaahl is arguably the most convincingly evil. A Vice Magazine documentary reveals that Gaahl's bizarre behaviour began as a defense mechanism to make other residents of his home town afraid of him and leave him alone. He was, however charged with keeping a man prisoner six hours and attempting to make him drink a cup of his own blood (he claims it was self-defense.) If anything, the way he just glares at the cameraman without blinking at the very end of that documentary will give you the creeps

Jandek

Prolific outsider musician made countless albums of melancholy noise and deliberately shrouded his identity in mystery. Eventually he gained a huge cult following, that became obsessed with finding out any sort of information about, "The Representative From Corwood Industries". In a bizarre turn of events he finally appeared in public and began touring in Europe and North America after 20 years.

Captain Beefheart
Beefheart blurred the lines between composer and cult leader when he kept members of his "Magic Band,"  secluded in a house together for 8 months to record the album, "Trout Mask Replica."  The band was forced to transcribe and perform incredibly complex music that he composed on the piano, an instrument he couldn't play. He also re-Christened them with names like, "The Mascara Snake," and "Zoot Horn Rollo." If you think that's strange, you should hear the album.

Roky Erickson
The former lead singer of the 13th Elevators barely escaped the psychedelic 60's with his mind intact.
Schizophrenia, as well as too many acid trips, sent him to the edge of the abyss, but he kept making weird and wonderful music with his band "The Aliens," for many years before disappearing. His re-emergence is documented in the film "You're Gonna Miss Me." Roky is now medicated and playing shows regularly in his hometown of Austin Texas and elsewhere.

Daniel Johnston  

A hopeless romantic and long time McDonald's employee who made albums for a decade before mental illness took over. His songs often alternated between heart-wrenching, wounded love songs for a girl named Laurie who barely knew he existed and accounts of his internal battle with Satan.

Wesley Willis

  A schizophrenic street person, known for his brilliantly accurate line-drawings of Chicago, Wesley made the jump to music, briefly fronting, "The Wesley Willis Fiasco." He then produced about a million albums of strange pre-programmed Casio loops behind lyrics about bestiality, concerts he'd attended, people he knew and various celebrities. Of all the eccentric people I've met, looking into Wesley Willis' eyes as he headbutted me and told me to say "rah," and "roll," was the first time I was genuinely frightened.

Live Fast Die Fast Comes Alive! "Iron Maiden - Death on the Road"

"There's no way you wanna hear this sleazy trumpet. But I'm gonna play it fuckin' anyway."

Is It Really Live?

Uh huh.

Is It Official?

Uh huh

Where was it recorded?

Westfallenhalle Arena, Dortmund, Germany, November 24, 2003.

What are the details?

Iron Maiden have released a ton of live records and have also been bootlegged extensively. I am naturally suspicious about the purpose of this record, which was released in 2005 and recorded during the band's "Dance of Death," tour.

The crowd seems primed for the opener, "Wildest Dreams," singing along enthusiastically.

The chorus is a bit weak  and it follows the same sort of formula as "Wickerman," but it actually come off okay live. "Wrathchild," is a great choice to follow. "Can I Play With Madness," was never one of my favorites and the "Trooper," is obligatory and done as well as ever.

Big cheers for "Dance of Death's," classical intro. The audience seems stoked, lots of hand-clapping which almost makes you think you're not listening to a mediocre song. It starts of kind of like "Fear of the Dark," and the fast part sounds very close to part of "Hallowed Be Thy Name." The audience sing-a-long "whoas," pop up eventually. I've  noticed new Iron Maiden songs often contain parts that seem designed for large arenas to chant along in unison. The song offers all the typical ingredients but nothing new or memorable. "Rainmaker," is even worse. Are they borrowing titles from John Grisham novels now?

Every song seems to start with a line like, "I was walking down the road." While I'm listening to this I can picture someone - my Mom, maybe - saying

"What do you like about this Iron Maiden band so much?"

 Then I'd say "Their older stuff is really good. Seriously!"

Ever have that conversation about a band?

Somewhere around this point I'm wondering if they've manipulated the crowd noise somehow.

"Brave New World," is a decent song but the song from that from that record that remains on the set list should be "Wicker Man," or "Ghost of the Navigator." There's only 3 good songs there to begin with.

Two minutes of pyro explosions and a dumb spoken intro begin,"Paschendale," "D.O.D.'s," "epic," tune. 

Gee... war really sucks eh? Yup, totally.

"Hey Bruce! Steve! Could you guys play "Aces High?" I'd really appreciate it. Thanks.

Sample lyric; "no chance to live again." 

Dead soldiers can't come back to life? I'm pretty sure I knew that already. "Paschendale," sucks. Get Over it.

Whoa - crappy sounding guitar intro. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Janick Gers. Here's one you may not know or care about; "Lord of The Flies," from one of the Blayze Bailey albums. Boo! Hiss!

Sample lyric "saints and sinners ... something ... something winners (?) In my dumpster, there's always binners. (I added the last part.)

Even fans who alway buy Maiden and Motorhead's new albums may have to admit they get excited when the new record comes out, maybe listen to it a bunch and then completely forget about it once the next one is released.

Have you ever been at your buddy's place having a few beers and said "Wanna hear some Iron Maiden?"

And he said, "Sure, how about Brave New World?"

No you haven't. You do "Live After Death,"or either of the Di'Anno albums or nothing.

Oh, remember when I said "Rainmaker," was the worst new song? Sorry, it's "No More Lies."

What's with the lyrics? "I was sitting at the table, drinking a glass of wine...." Whatever happened to "You'll take my life but I'll take yours too?" The new songs at a Maiden show should be the piss-break songs except they're so long and there's so many of them you'd spend more time in the can than watching the band. Then we get the songs they are contractually obligated to play; "Hallowed Be Thy Name," "Fear of The Dark," "Iron Maiden," "Journeyman." Oh wait they snuck another new one in there. Geez I must've drank too much coffee the morning, I'll be right back. Oh and I can hear Janick Gers screwing around and I think he messed up on the riff on "Hallowed Be Thy Name," too way to go, cock face. I know you're bored but it's costing the audience money to be there and you're getting paid. Can you fake it a bit better please? Bruce's voice is a bit strained on "Number of the Beast." I imagine it's a real pain i the ass trying to do that epic scream right near the end of every show. Good on him for trying anyway.

Disc One

1. Wildest Dreams
2. Wrathchild
3. Can I Play with Madness
4. The Trooper
5. Dance of Death
6. Rainmaker
7. Brave New World
8. Paschendale
9. Lord of the Flies

Disc Two

1. No More Lies
2. Hallowed Be Thy Name
3. Fear of the Dark
4. Iron Maiden
5. Journeyman
6. The Number of the Beast
7. Run to the Hills
   

Live Fast/Die Fast Comes Alive!: "Slayer - Live Undead"

"The I took out my razor blade. then I did what God forbade. Now the cops are after me. But I proved that I'm no sissy."

Is It Really Live?

Live in studio. To a crowd of friends. You can actually hear individual drunk people.

Is It Official?

Yes. It was released on Metal Blade

Where Was It Recorded?

City of New York, America, 1984.

What are the Details?

Okay, so here's my take on Slayer real quick. One of their first major tours was supporting Venom on their 1984 Combat Tour and the influence is pretty obvious if you watch old footage from the huge spikes on Kerry King's wristbands, to the pentagrams and satan-focused lyrics. One aspect of Venom was that their records all sounded like crap. Bands who emulated them intentionally made crappy sounding recordings because they sounded more "evil," or "mysterious," or something. Slayer did the same, either on purpose or more likely because production was a non-issue in their scene . Slayer went on to carve out their own path as one of the big 4 thrash bands and bigger and better things in terms of both material and production.

Now every retrospective of Slayer's career is required to mention that early Slayer recording sound bad. Yes they do. Let's move on from there.

If Slayer had only made 2 albums and disappeared, ("Haunting The Chapel," and "Show No Mercy,") these records would be regarded as underground classics. "Live Undead," is composed entirely of songs from this period. The production, again is not fabulous and it sounds like they are playing to a crowd of about 50 people which they were. The songs are, of course fast but their fastest, heavy but not their heaviest and good but not their best. It sounds like Slayer and is still 100 times better than any of the bands who try to sound like them. Check out "Decade of Aggression," which I'll get to soon which features many of these oldies alongside later classics. The old stuff generally stacks up pretty well. Tom Araya's dedication to "all the little cunts that like to spread their legs in the night," at the beginning of "Captor of Sin," and his intro to "Die By The Sword,"("They say the pen is mightier than the sword. Well fuck the pen!") are pretty funny as well.

The Set:

1. Black Magic
2. Die by the Sword
3. Captor of Sin
4. The Antichrist
5. Evil Has No Boundaries
6. Show No Mercy
7. Aggressive Perfector

Live Fast/Die Fast Comes Alive! : "Black Flag - Live '84"

"John Wayne killed a lot of gooks in the war. We don't give a fuck about John anymore."

Is It Really Live?

It's Black Flag. Of course it's really live.

 Is It Official?

Yes. It was released by SST

Where was it recorded?

At "The Stone," nightclub, San Francisco, CA August 26 1984 

What are the Details?

This is the Henry/Greg/Kira/Bill Stevenson line-up from "My War," (minus Kira) "Slip It In," and all the weird instrumental releases no one likes.

I've always admired Black Flag's conviction in staying true to their artistic vision, despite overwhelming backlash. That doesn't mean that the musical they were so determined to pursue was anything remotely worth listening to. The 7 plus minutes of "The Process of Weeding Out," that opens this set could only illicit a collective "What the fuck?" from this San Francisco crowd. There's always been some question as to whether Greg Ginn was a unique and innovative guitar player of if he was just terrible. I never leaned toward terrible but this song makes me question my point of view. I like noisy, abrasive music but it sounds like he's trying to play the guitar with his face. Not good. Random crappy noodling kills any sort of momentum. Ginn is one of my all-time heroes, bar none but listening to this made me want to chuck a roll of quarters at Henry's head, while I was sitting in my living room, 25+ years later. I suspect the live audience was also annoyed.

This is followed by Henry's version of "Nervous Breakdown,"which is not my favorite, just as I imagine Keith Morris wouldn't be able to pull off "My War." That's mainly just my personal taste.

All the "Slip It In," tunes sound great, as does "My War."

I always thought "Slip It In," is a weird song. It's sort of a gender-reversed "Slave To My Dick," but still sung from the guy's point of view. It's ironic that their first record with a woman in the band (Kira) is the one where they write a song chastising some random girl for not putting out. Or for putting out too much. Or for saying she wasn't going to put out and then putting out anyway. I never really understood what type of position they were taking even though musically it's one of their best.

"Black Coffee," sounds great as does"Wound Up," "My Ghetto." Even the daunting "Three Nights/Nothing Left Inside," benefits from the live treatment. Henry howls his guts out. The sludgy, trudgy songs from side 2 that so enraged the punk rockers sounds exactly like the type of material bands like "Pissed Jeans," are playing now. Greg regains his crown as noise king, his discordant shredding has a tone that slices through your eardrums, even with the treble turned way down on the EQ.

"Live '84," is a great document of a smokin' band doing their thing live with performances that are vastly superior to the studio recordings

The Set:

1. The Process Of Weeding Out
2. Nervous Breakdown
3. I Can't Decide
4. Slip It In
5. My Ghetto
6. Black Coffee
7. I Won't Stick Any Of You Unless And Until I Can Stick All Of You
8. Forever Time
9. Fix Me
10. Six Pack
11. My War
12. Jealous Again
13. I Love You
14. Swinging Man
15. Three Nights
16. Nothing Left Inside
17. Wound Up
18. Rat's Eyes/The Bars

How Bad Could It Be?: "KISS - Music From The Elder"

"I'm goin' to Hollywood. They'll see that I'm so good. I won't care how I feel. and I'll get to fuck Brooke Shields."

Here's a chilling new concept for a feature I dreamed up. I sometimes purposely avoid new albums by bands I love that are released when they are well past their prime. I'll also skip records in a band's back catalogue that are renowned for being exceptionally awful. Sometimes it's to spare their dignity, sometimes it's to spare myself. Really, life is too short to listen to crappy records. Isn't it? Well call it masochism or morbid curiosity but monthly I'll be exploring a famously reviled record to answer the question: "How Bad Could It Be?"

The Back Story:

The year is 1981 and Kiss' career had bottomed out hard after their 4 individual solo records, "Dynasty," and "Unmasked," were progressively worse than the one before. They brought back producer Bob Ezrin, the brains behind their commercial breakthrough, "Destroyer," to give their career a jump-start. Bob had been a musical puppet-master, encouraging the band to record Peter Criss' sappy "Beth," which became their biggest hit, insisting Gene sing the Paul-penned "God of Thunder," (which featured strange samples of Bob's children giggling) replacing Ace Frehley on most solos with a session guitarist and generally rebuilt them from the ground up. His ideas were often bizarre and much of "Destroyer," was complete crap but it moved a lot of units and made a lot of cash which is what Kiss (or at least Gene)  is all about. So when Bob had had a bunch of wacky ideas for an even more, "out-there," record, the band must have figured it made sense to trust the guy - eccentric genius and all. He just finished making "The Wall," with Pink Floyd for crying out loud.

Well Bob was developing a bit of a coke problem and becoming a full-blown ego-maniac. His "Midas touch," had given him the confidence to make worse and worse decisions with no reference point in reality. Bob sat down with Gene and Paul and decided to create a rock-opera of sorts about an extraterrestrial council of wizards or aliens or alien wizards or some fucking thing, in an attempt to portray Kiss as serious artists. I'll never forget Ace drunk on some talk show making fun of this album, while Gene just sits there looking pissed.

"It's about a boy ... a very special boy."

The silliness of the whole thing wouldn't have mattered so much if it wasn't for the incredibly earnest seriousness with which every overly-dramatic cliched line is delivered.

 You have to imagine Ezrin all blasted on coke, thinking this is just epic shit. You appreciate it more that way. Lots of pretending to be serious.

Lou Reed co-wrote three songs and rather than the intended effect of making Kiss look cool, they did the opposite and made Lou seem lame. Lou is credited with the line, "a world without heroes is like a world without sun." Holy shit, really?

The Record:

"The Oath," starts out with a fairly heavy, if unoriginal riff, reminiscent of Iron Maiden's "Flight of Icarus," before Paul Stanley's goofy vocals kill it and layers of synthesizers violate the corpse. It beats the shit out of "Shandy anyhow, so half marks. Many of the songs don't serve any other purpose than to advance the stupid storyline, which is disjointed anyway, when the track order was moved around to emphasize possible singles.

Ace's "Dark Light," and Gene's "I," are highlights. The latter requires the ability to overlook the goofy as shit "believe-in-yourself," lyrics. "The Odyssey," sounds almost like Christian rock. "Escape From The Island," is usually mentioned as a highlight. It's an unspectacular instrumental, notable only because it actually sounds like it might be a rock song.

"A World Without Heroes," is the pinnacle of nauseating tripe. "Just A Boy," is almost worse. "Mr. Blackwell," is a tune I don't mind for some reason but it could sure use some guitars.

The Reception:

Ace's hatred for the album sealed the deal for him to leave the band. For the first time ever the band decided to not bother touring in support of an album. Sales were dismal and reviews were worse. "The Elder," was one of the last Kiss CDs to be released on CD

The Legacy:

The album became it's own punchline, synonymous with utter failure. It is Kiss' "Howard the Duck," or "Ishtar." It is included on many, "worst albums of all time," lists over the years.

How Bad Is It Really?

Truly, the album is as bad as advertised. It is however not nearly the worst Kiss album. It is truly their most ambitious and spectacular failure but light years ahead of anything they did in their hair-metal period.

Mother's Day Special!

"It's too late. To fall in love with Sharon Tate."

The Awesome Hall of Fame And The Hall of Total Bullshit

"Straight as an arrow. Defect, defect. Not straight, not so straight. Reject, reject."

Awesome Hall of Fame: Man Can

That would be the bad boy to the extreme right. Of course, it's more or less impossible to drink this enormous beer without half of it going warm and turning to swill almost immediately but look how fucking big it is!

Hall of Total Bullshit: "The Dead"

Q: "What did the Deadhead say when he ran out of drugs?"

"A: "What's this awful music?"

When I heard Greg Ginn say in an interview that the Grateful Dead were his favorite band, I actually wept.

Awesome Hall of Fame: Cross-tops

These handy little pick-me-ups used to be available right next to the beef jerky at the counter of convenience stores across the United States. Unlike No-Doz it turns out they are not "safe as coffee," and a number of people actually had their hearts explode and died as a result of too much Ephedrine, their active ingredient. Way back in my youth when I didn't know this yet, it sure was fun to gulp 'em down like candy.

Hall of Total Bullshit: Touch-Screen
You might to be an okay idea but why don't you ever fucking work properly? Asshole!

Awesome Hall of Fame: Basket Case
Like good movies? You're welcome.

Hall of Total Bullshit: Shopping For Pants
Having to even wear pants, actually.

Awesome Hall of Fame -Steven Seagal: Lawman
Imagine you are a small-time drug fiend somewhere in America. You get jacked by the cops cuffed, read your rights and then, as you're yanked to your feet, looking up into the bloated, jowly face of Steven Seagal. Would you not think that you had completely lost touch with reality once and for all? At the very least it makes for compelling television. I also think you would quit smoking crystal meth immediately.

Hall of Total Bullshit: 1 Ply Toilet Paper Roll
Why do you exist? How much less do you actually cost than toilet paper that can actually hold together enough to be used for it's intended purpose? Does the idiot who purchased you know how unpleasant and impossible you are to work with? Do they know it is necessary to use an entire roll of you to do the equivalent job of a few small pieces of regular paper? I suspect not.

Awesome Hall of Fame: Tattoo

I wonder if anyone has ever gotten a tattoo of Tattoo. That would be stupid but awesome

Hall of Total Bullshit: Braided Goatee
Dumb.

Earth's Greatest Album Covers...Ever! - "Solo Luke - I Got Shit On My Mind"

"America stands for freedom But if you think you're free. Try walking into a deli and urinating on the cheese"

This is first hip hop album to make the list and it's a doozy.

There's an Eddie Murphy routine where he describes getting a phone call from Bill Cosby, scolding him for swearing onstage. According to Eddie, Bill made it sound like he just got up onstage and said: "Hello. Motherfucker, dick, pussy, snot and shit. Suck my dick goodnight."
Well, that pretty much describes 2 Live Crew's entire act. They were equally groundbreaking with their album art, dropping all pretense and just featuring photos of the band members surrounded by enormous asses.
I find this cover especially poignant because Luke is also sitting on the toilet, so at the same time we're looking at the two women he's objectifying, we can also imagine him taking a big steamer.

I should mention that Luke was eventually threatened with legal action by George Lucas if he did not stop using the Luke Skywalker name. Lest some poor kid mistakenly think a record with songs titled, "Head, Head and More Head," and "Pussy Ass Kid and Hoe Ass Play," had something to do with Star Wars.