"Sex Bomb Baby. Yeah!"
Let's be honest with each other for a moment here. We don't know each other very well. Neither of us is sure if we want to pursue this relationship. Blogger - blog reader. It's a big commitment. That's why I thought it'd be nice to get a few things out of the way before we go any further. Ever notice how some things are awesome and how other things are complete bullshit. Me too. Here are a few of each in a thing I like to call
"The Awesome Hall Of Fame" and"The Hall Of Total Bullshit." Keep score at home if you like.
Awesome Hall Of Fame: Pabst Blue Ribbon
The kids are broke. The kids wanna drink. Drink tickets at finer dives across the USA are often good for well-drinks and PBR only. In America it is simply "what the punks drink". With it's arrival in Canada, Vancouver's all-knowing "Georgia Straight" has proclaimed PBR to be a "hipster beer".What-the fuck-ever.
Hall Of Total Bullshit: Bicycle Theft
I'm not talking about the bike you borrowed and forgot to give back or the one that someone left in the ditch behind your house and didn't claim. I'm talking about coming into a complete stranger's yard, smashing their U-Lock and ripping them off.
If this has ever been you, then you are a complete and utter piece of shit. Case closed.
Awesome Hall Of Fame: Rock Vans
Faithful Steed. Road-worn beast. This is a rock van. Not to be confused with the "perv van". The most notable differences between the 2: the absence of either a) curtains b) a teardrop * (See also Fu Manchu) Have I "gotten lucky" in this vehicle many have asked. Absolutely; if you consider waking up in a bunk with your face half an inch from the ceiling next to some other dude's wet socks lucky. 
*(perv van, avec teardrop)
Hall Of Total Bullshit: Cops
Just look at these assholes will you? I'm sure there are a few cops in the world, who deep down, are okay people but really, what difference does it make, when your job is to be a fucking dick.
Awesome Hall Of Fame: Enormous Roadside Monstrosities
If you're ever taken a road trip across Canada or the US, you've seen a few of these "world's largest" objects. This is the "World's Largest Perogy on A Fork," in Glendon Alberta. Also notable; "The World's Large Adirondack Chair" in Varney Ontario, "The World's Largest Uranium Atom" in Elliot Lake, The World's Largest Mosquito" in Komarna MB, The World's Largest Sasquatch Man In A Loincloth" in Vermillion Bay and "The World's Largest Curling Rock" in my hometown of Thunder Bay ON.
Get out of the car, stretch your legs, take a piss, let the brats run around, take a few snapshots. Fun for the whole family.
Hall Of Total Bullshit: Facebook
I realize that not being on Facebook ranks just behind leprosy for cutting you out the social loop but y'know what? I'm not doing it. Not just because anyone I haven't kept in contact with from highschool is someone I, most likely don't want to be in contact with. Not just because incriminating pictures of myself posted by complete strangers never to be deleted sounds like a bad idea and I don't want to contribute to it myself. The #1 reason I am not on Facebook is ... I got pulled into a US customs office at the US/Canada border and was ... fucking googled by the border cop to "see if I was in a band". I realize foreigners coming across the US border to play for gas money and a couch to sleep on are taking jobs away from American citizens, but come on. Facebook is the newest, most effective way for "the man" to fuck with you, plain and simple.This dude in the Tinkerbell outfit? He had a family emergency and had to take off at the last minute from his job at a bank. Busted on Facebook. Bono? Just hangin' out, getting cozy with his bikini-clad, barely legal platonic friends recently. Busted on Facebook. It's big brother, people... and not the guy who takes you out to a baseball game because you don't have a dad or whatever.
Awesome Hall Of Fame: The Burrito
How many of these bad boys have I scarfed down, up and down life's many highways. Ideally, big and sloppy (like your mutha!) and with your choice of beans (not like your mother). I prefer black (beans that is). Mmm burritos are good.
How many of these bad boys have I scarfed down, up and down life's many highways. Ideally, big and sloppy (like your mutha!) and with your choice of beans (not like your mother). I prefer black (beans that is). Mmm burritos are good.
Hall Of Total Bullshit: Pitchfork
Okay. It's not just the long-winded, self important reviews. It's not their "be-all end-all" status among the painfully cool or the "ultra-precise" fractional ratings.
The thing I hate about these experts is that, for all their obscure hyper-referencing they don't bother to do their homework enough to cover up the fact that their knowledge of music in general is extremely limited. The first instance I noticed was in a review of The Legendary Demo by Clouds. I quote;
"Another stinker, the very Clutch-like knuckle-dragger, Magic Hater, just takes way too long to shake it all out." Okay, so for those that don't know, the tune "Magic Hater," is not an original Clouds tune. It's a pretty faithful cover of "Willie The Pimp," by Frank Zappa that they just changed the name of, I assume to avoid paying royalties. Holy shit. I'm no Zappa completist but everybody and their Uncle has heard that song at least a grillion times. There is no mistaking it. Adam McGrath's vocals also sound nothing like Clutch ... that's the kicker ... the Clutch-like quality of this knuckle dragger can be attributed directly to a guy called ... wait for it ... Captain Beafheart! What the fuck are they teaching kids in school today? I now realize that many Pitchfork reviewers are 17 year old kids who are whizzes at referencing every "metalcore" band these guys played in and ... Alabama Thunderpussy and the incredibly obscure (yawn) Clutch but how do you not fucking know this? The ghost of Lester Bangs just crawled up your back stairs dragging a sack of chains, like Jacob Marley (not one of Bob's kids by the way ) and took a piss on your face. Who's your editor?
Okay gaffe #2 and, bear in mind I can honestly say the number of Pitchfork reviews I've cared enough to read is in the low double digits (like ten); Vancouver folkies Lightning Dust dropped an awesome left-field cover on their "Infinite Light" album. I was curious, did anyone else pick up on this one? Pitchfork? "Wondering what Everyone Knows" is, according their reviewer, "a kind of homage to paranoid doomed-love ballads once emoted by Lesley Gore and Nancy Sinatra." Uh ... sure ... it's also a fucking Budgie song from arguably their best album, "In For The Kill". What are you fucking retarded? They still have records that were made before you were born ... like ... at the store and stuff right? Maybe you went out for a piss and missed one of the best heavy bands of the 70's. It's okay. They actually recorded some of their stuff just in case you did. I invite you to eat 8.7 dicks.
The thing I hate about these experts is that, for all their obscure hyper-referencing they don't bother to do their homework enough to cover up the fact that their knowledge of music in general is extremely limited. The first instance I noticed was in a review of The Legendary Demo by Clouds. I quote;
"Another stinker, the very Clutch-like knuckle-dragger, Magic Hater, just takes way too long to shake it all out." Okay, so for those that don't know, the tune "Magic Hater," is not an original Clouds tune. It's a pretty faithful cover of "Willie The Pimp," by Frank Zappa that they just changed the name of, I assume to avoid paying royalties. Holy shit. I'm no Zappa completist but everybody and their Uncle has heard that song at least a grillion times. There is no mistaking it. Adam McGrath's vocals also sound nothing like Clutch ... that's the kicker ... the Clutch-like quality of this knuckle dragger can be attributed directly to a guy called ... wait for it ... Captain Beafheart! What the fuck are they teaching kids in school today? I now realize that many Pitchfork reviewers are 17 year old kids who are whizzes at referencing every "metalcore" band these guys played in and ... Alabama Thunderpussy and the incredibly obscure (yawn) Clutch but how do you not fucking know this? The ghost of Lester Bangs just crawled up your back stairs dragging a sack of chains, like Jacob Marley (not one of Bob's kids by the way ) and took a piss on your face. Who's your editor?
Okay gaffe #2 and, bear in mind I can honestly say the number of Pitchfork reviews I've cared enough to read is in the low double digits (like ten); Vancouver folkies Lightning Dust dropped an awesome left-field cover on their "Infinite Light" album. I was curious, did anyone else pick up on this one? Pitchfork? "Wondering what Everyone Knows" is, according their reviewer, "a kind of homage to paranoid doomed-love ballads once emoted by Lesley Gore and Nancy Sinatra." Uh ... sure ... it's also a fucking Budgie song from arguably their best album, "In For The Kill". What are you fucking retarded? They still have records that were made before you were born ... like ... at the store and stuff right? Maybe you went out for a piss and missed one of the best heavy bands of the 70's. It's okay. They actually recorded some of their stuff just in case you did. I invite you to eat 8.7 dicks.
