March 30, 2010

Ricky Martin's Announcement Inspires Other Celebrities

"Frustrated kid, he hated life. Tried to end it with a butter-knife."
Following Ricky Martin's shocking recent announcement that he is gay, two more public figures have come forward with shocking revelations of their own.
Pope Benedict XVI held a press conference this week to make an announcement to the world that he is in fact Catholic.
In related news, "A Bear," came forward to say to the media once and for all that "I shit in the woods."

Ricky Martin
The Pope
A Bear

March 25, 2010

Some Shows

"Get a job, put the dishes out, put the trash back in it's place. Now that I'm a man I'm gonna piss right in their face."
Congress and Baptists At Antisocial Mar 27
You may have noticed my last official live show pick was also a Congress show, way back in Dec '09. This is partially because I blew off High on Fire show in February cause I was too tired during the Olimp-dicks.  It is mostly because they're fuckin' good. At Antisocial? You'd pretty much have to be a retard to miss this one (And even then that's a poor excuse). Jamie Hooper sings in this band. His throat sounds like it's doing okay to me.
Pierced Arrows At The Biltmore, April 3
Thank God they keep coming back 'cause I keep missing them. Sorry Fred, sorry Toody, sorry other guy. This time I will be there.

March 18, 2010

Most Unusual Rock Deaths!!!

"If I could choose to believe or not to believe or not to believe, you know I would choose not to."
Ah, death, always an object of fascination for those of us who have yet to experience it. It's always fun to hear about your favorite musicians and the weird things they do, so it only makes sense that it's fun to hear about the weird ways they die. Here are a few of the more interesting.
Terry Kath
Guitarist for the band "Chicago," and gun enthusiast, Kath died horsing around with a semi-automatic weapon. Without noticing a bullet still in the chamber of his 9mm after he removed the clip, he pointed the gun at his head and pulled the trigger to show that it wasn't loaded. Terry joins R&B singer Johnny Ace, who "aced" himself backstage at a concert with a pistol he also believed to be unloaded. Johnny's last word's before popping a cap in himself were nearly identical to Terry Kath's; "Don't worry, it's not loaded. See?"
Stiv Bators
The former Dead Boys singer was living in AParis when he has hit by a taxi, walking home drunk one night. He was taken to the hospital but grew impatient waiting to see a doctor, walked home and died in his sleep of a concussion.
Marvin Gaye
Another handgun casualty, the soul legend was fatally shot shot by his father,a former preacher and abusive alcoholic, the day before his 45th birthday. Marvin Jr. had given the murder weapon to his dad a few months earlier as a gift.
I also give honorable mention to Felix Pappalardi, bass player for the band Mountain. Felix's wife and frequent collaborator Gail Collins Pappalardi, (She designed several album covers and wrote lyrics for Mountain and also co-wrote "Strange Brew," for Cream with Felix and Eric Clapton) shot him in the throat "accidentally," in their Manhattan apartemnt. She claims he was giving her an impromptu shooting lesson, although she was also allegedly upset that Felix had recently begun seeing another woman. Hell hath no fury ...
Jeff Buckley
Jeff followed in the footsteps of his father Tim Buckley checking out of the earth much too early. Jeff was 30 when he died, outliving his father by two years. Jeff drowned after making the unwise decision to take a swim, fully clothed in the Mississippi river in the middle of the night.
Jaco Pastorius
Bass virtuoso from the band Weather Report suffered from bi-polar disorder. His introduction to alcohol later in life caused him to become increasingly unstable and lead to him eventually living on the street.
After having been ejected from a Carlos Santana concert for sneaking onstage earlier in the evening, Jaco was refused entry into a Florida bar, became enraged and kicked in a glass door. He was then beaten to death by the club's bouncer.
Dimebag Darrell
 Dimebag's was one of the new millennium's first untimely deaths when he was shot to death onstage along during a performance with his band Damageplan. Gunman Nathan Gale was a paranoid schizophrenic ex-Marine who believed Darrell's previous band, Pantera were stealing his thoughts and laughing at him. 2 audience members and Damageplan's head of security also died attempting to help Darrell.
Mark Sandman
Singer and bass player of the band Morphine, Sandman dropped dead of a heart attack onstage during a concert in Italy.
Keith Relf
Anyone who's played guitar for a decent amount of time has received some sort of shock from his amp. Of them, there's a small number of musicians who have actually been electrocuted to death by their gear. Keith Relf is likely the most famous. Keith, lead singer and harmonica player in the Yardbirds had played with a few guitar players in his day; Jeff Beck, Eric Clapton, Jimmy Page. His own playing was what finally did him in when he was fatally shocked by an improperly grounded amp in his home. I read somewhere that he was trying to play guitar in the bathtub when it happened but that's just stupid.
Steve Peregrine Took
Took was "the other guy," in the original Tyrannosaurus Rex with Marc Bolan, back when they were a
2- piece. He was in the midst of a morphine and magic mushroom binge when he choked to death on a cocktail cherry.
El Duce
Leader of the "The Mentors," and perennial daytime talk show guest, Duce proved there is truth in the old saying; "If you fall asleep on train tracks, you might get hit by a train."
Of course if you buy the conspiracy theory, it's move like "If Courtney Love asks you to kill Kurt Cobain for $50,000 and you say no, she might have you murdered and make it look like you fell asleep on train tracks and got hit by a train." Either way, a valuable lesson.

March 15, 2010

Hunt & Gather: Sixties Underground - Profile: The Electric Prunes

"Teenage girls with ketchup too. Outta my way or I'll eat you."
Black Cat Bones - Barbed Wire Sandwich (1969)
What an incredibly odd album cover, especially considering the music it contains. It's straight up English blues rock in the vein of Eric Clapton or Peter Green and, while it's an excellent example of the genre, it also sounds a bit dated. Let me explain.
At it's most basic,  blues music is very structured in it's form. Tell any musician to play the blues in any key and chances are they'll play a variation of the I-IV-I-V-IV-IV. Blues is like the Haiku of music. The lyrics, solos, licks and personality you add over the standard changes is your art.
Many songs and even lines from certain songs are traditional and ages old; "woke up this mornin'" for example. The originality comes in the playing and interpreting of them. The blues has since been plugged in, amped up and turned inside out by everyone from the Yardbirds to Cream to Zep to the bloody White Stripes. Different rhythms and time times signatures and more complex riffs have disguised the "pure blues" form until it is basically unrecognizable.
Back in the 60's, English boys playing the blues was a big deal in and of itself.
The Rolling Stones made a huge splash in the earlier part of the decade without recording hardly any original material. The "omigod" factor of five English lads playing the "lurid" songs of black musicians, with strange names like "Howlin' Wolf," and (gasp) playing the harmonica was still high. As time moved on, and the popularity of English blues grew, innovations in the electric guitar, like the Les Paul and Marshall (think sustain and volume) helped ignite the first wave of white blues electric guitarists.
It was standard for bands to trot out any number of blues standards on albums and live sets.
Often, with some notable exceptions, these covers turned out to be less indispensable than the originals.
As far as the English bands' original material, a stricter adherence to the standard blues formula dates some of these records. (Listen to John Mayall's Bluesbreakers now and it's hard to see what all the fuss was about). Black Cat Blues are clearly from this earlier period. You're not going to hear a lot of stunningly original riffage here. Some decent guitar licks and a lot of improvising over the standard changes. Their cover of Nina Simone's "Four Women" and the standard "Feelin' Good," (which wasn't written by Nina but was a song she popularized) are unexpected but good. 
The band endured many line-up changes and  and their only release was ill-timed (near the end of the blues rock craze) and honestly not exceptional enough to warrant much attention. That's not to say
it isn't a good record. It has both quality playing and historical significance, it just won't dramatically change your life.
Black Cat Bones as a band went through a bunch of changes. Paul Kossoff and Simon Kirke who went on to form the band Free played guitar and drums respectively but left before this recording.
The album version of the band features future Foghat guitarist Rod Price, brothers Derek and Stuart Brooks on rhythm guitar and bass, respectively, Brian Short on vocals and Phil Lenoire on drums.
After this album, Short went solo and was replaced by Peter French on vocals, Price was replaced by Mick Halls and Keith George-Young took over on drums. They changed their name and went on to relatively greater fame as Leaf Hound. Blues rock buffs and fans of the above mentioned bands should check this one out.
 
Cromagnon - Orgasm (1968)
Let me start off by saying if you can find a stranger album than this I'll buy you a beer. Hell, I will buy you a whole case. I'm serious. I'm really plunging into the depths of the bizarre with this album. 
It begins sounding sort of like the black metal band Burzum except with bagpipes. Now bear in mind this is from 1968
"Ritual Feast of the Libido," consists mainly of crackling sounds and a man screaming, not in a very libidinous way. It sounds like he's begin burned at the stake. "Organic Sundown," is just lots of chanting, grunting, hissing and banging on things. The closest comparison I can make is the Melvins song "Spread Eagle Beagle," from Houdini. It sounds like a bunch of cavemen clattering their spears together over some demonic ritual.
"Fantasy," starts off with cheerful sounding harmonized vocals, then descends into maniacal cackling and buzzing.
"Crow of The Black Tree,"  features acoustic guitar for the first time. After the intro it becomes the same two chords played over and over and more anguished moaning. When you hear the voices say "freedom" and freedom from the man," it doesn't sound joyous, it sounds like the murmuring of escaped lunatics.
"Genitalia," features tuneless singing over shrieking that sounds like chickens being murdered.
"Toth, Scribe 1," sounds a bit like Sunn O))) and is actually more listenable because it is low and rumbling , instead of piercing or grating.
Imagine you took Jandek, shot him up with coke and sent him into a lunatic asylum with some gardening tools and a tape recorder.
"First World of Bronze," juxtaposes druids chanting nonsense and what sounds like a guitar solo by Kerry King's dad.
Speaking of the Melvins, this album makes "Eggnog," seem soothing by comparison.
Drugs are given frequently as an excuse for strange music. If so, it'd have to be some pretty hard shit to make music that sounds like this and then release it.This is music to go insane and kill yourself to. Enjoy!
*****************************************************
I have to stop here and give props to Mr. Brad Gerrish a true music connoisseur, without whom I either wouldn't have heard of a lot of these bands or wouldn't have made the effort to track them down on my own for our frequent "hey, have you heard of these guys?" contests. In his honor, I will regularly feature an orange glasses pick for anything he's raved excessively about and/or encouraged me to hear. 
Here is the inaugural
"Orange Glasses Pick":
 
Bubble Puppy - A Gathering of Promises (1969)
Starts off reminding me of the Beatles, except the drummer doesn't suck (heh) before settling into a Byrds type of vibe. I was surprised to discover this band comes from Texas as they sound very English. It probably doesn't help that they're dressed like weird minstrels or Robin Hood's merry men on the album cover." They have a very polished vocal style where nearly every line is harmonized but the leads and drumming are totally aggressive and cool.
"Hot Smoke and Sassafrass," was a minor hit for these guys and is probably the best song. I think I actually may have heard it at some point before.
The smooth, distinctive guitar lines of Rod Prince (not Rod Price of Black Cat Bones, mentioned above) and Todd Potter bring it back and hold it together. The middle of the road folk of "Elizabeth," is salvaged by Prince and Potter's seamless inter-twining of melodic, middle eastern snake-charmer style leads.  The dual guitars truly enhance and drive the songs along instead of just aimlessly wailing away over top.
Under the flowery lyrics and perfect harmonies the music occasionally sounds like the Hendrix Experience or with their sustained chord breakdowns with frantically drum rolls recall the Who. David "Fuzzy" Fore's powerful drumming and the crisp clang of the bell on his ride cymbal propels the tracks to a higher plateau.
Perhaps sensing the changing musical climate, Bubble Puppy completely changed their style as the 70's issued in a hard rock sound and changed their name to Demian. Cool guitar-work, all around great musicianship and some hooky tunes make this is a cool record well worth seeking out.
Ladies W.C. - Ladies W.C. (1969)
This band's name literally means "washroom" or "toilet," and the album opens with a toilet flush. Weird sounds effects can be found between tracks like babies crying, planes taking off etc.
This band is featured on one of the "Love Peace & Poetry," comps, an excellent series of CDs, which seems to be tailor made for them. It has a vaguely campy beach-party vibe to some of the tunes, with some quirky musicianship and the novelty of being from an unusual place (Venezuela). Lots of wah and fuzzed out guitar, harmonica, a little flute action and lots of cymbal swells for anyone on hallucinogens. 
Fairly derivative lyrics which range from self-important "c'mon people, come to together and love each other" to goofy attempts at being "trippy" or "deep" and fairly obvious drug references like "staring through my window pane," or  "put that in your pipe and smoke it." Isn't that what what music like this is about after all? Despite good production and lots of orange-sunshine induced guitar leads, I can't say this is a record I'd want to listen to from beginning to end very regularly. There are still moments of acid rock bliss to be found for fans of the genre.
 
Savages - Black Scorpio (1967)
Weird lo-fi type recording, certainly has it's share of kitsch value. It really "swings" and at times has a sort of lounge vibe and occasionally very dramatic, over-the-top vocals. I felt like there was definitely something that I was missing when I initially put this one on. The style changes so dramatically between songs, it reminded me of a working band, the kind that you would hire for specific events who would have a whole repertoire of "numbers" depending on the gig.
A couple of ballads for the slow dance, a few instrumentals, some fast stuff for the sock hop or whatever.
I was close to the mark. What I was missing is that this band was from Bombay and one of the first Indian bands to play exclusively Western music. There is no Indian vibe here at all, which is ironic since around this time bands like The Rolling Stones etc, were routinely incorporating sitar and tabla into their music. It turns out that only one of the songs here is not a cover, which explains the inconsistency of the material. They are less like a working band and more like a top 40 cover band. We get an odd version of Neil Young's "Southern Man," The Allman Brothers "Whipping Post," and James Taylor's sappy"You've Got A Friend". Weird. This is really just a novelty and a bona-fide collector's item in original vinyl form, especially since the scorpion on the front is a cut out on the LP sleeve.
 
N.S.U. Turn On Or Turn Me Down (1969)
This short lived Scottish  four-piece were definitely riding the psychedelic wave. Features some pretty bad-assed bluesy guitar playing in the over-driven style forever to be known as Hendrix-y.
The leads themselves don't especially stand out from each other but, then again, what do you want from a record that probably sold a hundred copies, by a band that disappeared soon after.
It's certainly nothing earth-shattering, but that's okay. It's an energetic and well played album.
There's a song called "Stoned," where they seem to start using the term as a metaphor, similar to Bob Dylan but then abandon it in favor of repeating "I'm stoned" endlessly.
This album provides several examples of a drummer going mental behind unspectacular folk-tinged numbers, suggesting he is trying to either sound like Keith Moon or just couldn't be bothered to learn the song. He is clearly off doing his own thing at various points. A common thread with bands of this ilk seems to be sub par vocals and mediocre songs with frantic drummer and guitar-soloing.
The closing song, "On The Road," sort of rambles and wanks it's way along, unfocused. I don't usually say that about improvised jams but it's really not preceded by anything and serves no purpose and there's no song there anywhere to be found. It also devolves it a drum solo and ... say it with me ... drum solos blow.
To say this album is not groundbreaking and not as good as Cream or any of their other obvious influences is silly. This is a bunch of kinds, likely from the middle of nowhere, having fun and for that it sounds damn good. I'm not really sure how well the songs would hold up without the extended jam-outs but they are certainly too good to have been ignored and then forgotten. 
(L to R) James "Weasel" Spagnola, Ken Williams, James Lowe, Mark Tulin, Preston Ritter

The strange saga of the Electric Prunes started in California's San Fernando Valley, first as "The Sanctions," and then as "Jim and the Lords". The core of the band was
Jim Lowe on vocals and auto-harp, Ken Williams on guitar and effects and Mark Tulin on bass and organ. James "Weasel" Spagnola played second guitar and drummer Mike "Quint," Weakley quit before the band recorded their first album and was replaced by Preston Ritter.
The band caught the attention of David Hassinger, staff engineer with RCA who had previously worked on the Stones "Aftermath". and was eager to make a name for himself managing and producing a group of his own. The band, which was rechristened the Electric Prunes after the band submitted it as a joke on a list of new potential band names. According to the band, the name was based on the same sort of punchline that helped Moby Grape arrive at their name.
"What's purple and goes buzz buzz?" "An Electric Prune." 
"What's purple and swims in the ocean?" "Moby Grape."
Hassinger gave them the benefit of his production expertise and a pro studio but also misguided their career with bizarre song selections and strange career moves.
They had a hit with "I Had Too Much To Dream Last Night," and toured extensively, with shows supporting supporting The Beach Boys, Steppenwolf, The Lovin' Spoonful, Jefferson Airplane and Buffalo Springfield.
Preston Ritter left the band during the recording of their second album "Underground,"and Quint was brought back as his replacement. Mike Gannon took over second guitar duties when Weasel had to be replaced due to illness, but only made it onto two of the songs on "Underground."
After the response to "Underground," was unspectacular, the Prunes management made the astounding decision that the band should record an album of Gregorian chanting, sung completely in Latin under the guidance of composer David Axelrod.
During the recording of "Mass in F Minor," Ken Williams and Mark Gannon were dismissed as they were unable to read music and thus unable to learn their parts only Quint and Mark Tulin played on the album with Jim Lowe recording all the vocals with the Canadian band "The Collectors," backing him up.
After attempts to play the material live proved disastrous, Quint quit for good, relocating to Europe and finally Jim Lowe quit, leaving from the original band just Tulin and Williams with a keyboard player instead of a drummer and some guy named Kenny Loggins on guitar and vocals for their final attempt at a tour. "Release of An Oath," another Axelrod production featured only band members on vocals and was played entirely by session musicians
Undaunted, Hassinger put together a completely new band dubbed "the New And Improved Electric Prunes," and recorded the album "Just Good Old Rock and Roll," which flopped. 
Thrity years later, interest was rekindled in the Prunes thanks in part to "I Had Too Much To Dream, " and "Get Me To The World On Time," featuring prominently on the Nuggets compilations.
The band reformed, featuring original members Williams, Lowe and Tulin and still performs occasionally.

(L to R) Mark Tulin, Quint, Mike Gannon, Ken Williams, James Lowe
The Electric Prunes (1967)
The Prunes first album plays out like an album at war with itself. The songs were written almost exclusively by the outside writing team of Mantz and Tucker and the material is wildly uneven. The song selection straight-up doesn't make any sense. The Prunes are versatile enough to pull it off but it almost works against them as  Jim Lowe changes accents so many times you wonder what he actually sounds like. Some of this strangeness becomes a bit easier to understand considering the direction they were pushed in later.
The first track, "I Had Too Much To Dream Last Night," explodes out of the speakers. It is not only the highlight of the band's small repertoire of songs but of the whole psych genre. The production has all the bells and whistles (I'm sure they actually used both) backwards guitars and effects. The song was their only major single and later kick-started a resurgence in their popularity years later as the lead-off track of the popular "Nuggets," compilation.
The original composition, "Bangles," follows and is nothing special. It's followed by a yawn-inducing ballad called "Onie," (Oh-knee) which reminds me of the movie "That Thing you Do," where Tom Hanks as the manager tells the band to change their name from the Oneders to the Wonders because everyone will call them the "Oh-Needers". It shows that they don't especially do understated well. "Train For Tomorrow," the second original is just okay.
"Get Me To The World On Time," gets some mileage out of Bo Diddley's patented shuffle. A bit more gravel appears in Jim Lowe's vocals, making them sound more like a real garage band than a hippy drippy flower power band, which is a good thing.
"Are You Loving Me More But Enjoying It Less," kicks the tempo back up and is an album highlight. It would be kind to say "Sold To The Highest Bidder," channels Dick Dale but probably more accurate to say that it rips him off. "Quarter to Nine," is dorky saccharine crap and "The King Is In The Counting House," is some type of weird, fake English folk with Lowe's auto-harp melody sounding similar to the theme from "Masterpiece Theatre". Then "Luvin'," takes the record in a new direction. It's a middle of the road tune steeped in sexual innuendo, with all types of allusions to "measuring up," and "performance." It sounds a bit like "Sweet Young Thing," to be honest. "Try Me On for Size," continues in that vein. It ranks as one of my personal favorites. The gruff vocals return. It's another lewd come on, and rocks it out hard. One of the best rockin' tunes of the era, I'd even say.
So then the album ends with this goofy ragtime/vaudeville style tune called "Toonerville Trolley," which sounds like "Tunaville Trolley," which sounds like something gross and mentions how someone's dad used to "toot on his licorice stick ". Uh ... okay. It makes "My Ding-a-ling," seem high-brow by comparison. For those keeping score you have 1 bona-fide psychedelic masterpiece, 2 decent singles, 1 boring ballad, 2 fake British prim and proper schmaltz-fests, 3 middle-of-the road, borderline filler numbers of varying quality and 2 "gonna fuck the shit out of you and leave you lying on the side of the road," testosterone sandwiches that would make Mick Jagger blush. Oh, and Tunaville, whatever the fuck that is.
Oddly enough, this is the only essential Prunes album. When it's good it's stellar.
Underground (1967)
Underground starts out on a more subdued note but with the same big production, xylophone, vibes and some interesting percussion. The raunchy voice and overt sexuality are gone. It's a more consistent album with less stand out tunes. It seems to follow some sort of storyline I must be missing and sort of plays like a soundtrack. The musicianship is great and the use of interesting instruments shows the Prunes branching out as innovators in their field. It's a more cohesive work although some of the songs don't seem stand as well on their own.
I don't mean to suggest that this is anything like a conventional album. It just doesn't fluctuate as wildly. Straight forward rockers are noticeably absent as well as goofy shtick. They pop in and out of weird accents as much as ever and really plunge headlong into the psychedelic style they previously only flirted with. "Hideaway," features sitar coolness "I" is a mellow tune that shows them finally able to do understated correctly "Captain Glory" is laid back, harmonica-driven country. They sometimes get bogged down in melodrama but the pompous and corny moments are fewer and further between. If you're a fan of psych music at all this is a good addition to your collection.
Mass In F Minor (1968)
It's no secret that this album is considered one of the most notorious career missteps in history. Baroque composer David Axelrod assumed control of all songwriting and produced,  literally a Catholic mass. Now, honestly listening to this record today it sounds like a continuation of where they were headed with "Underground," and there is less of a shift in styles between these 2 albums than between "Underground," and their debut. The chanted vocals and the fact that it as in Latin would likely have not been noticed by most hippie types at the time anyway, who would have been used to the band pushing their musical boundaries. The haunting, ethereal quality of the vocals sounds cool at times and really doesn't dominate the mostly instrumental record. Had it not been presented as an album of Baroque Catholic chants, which accounts for only a small part of the album, they'd have been in much better shape. The bigger question is why their management would consider that a band whose sound was so synonymous with 60's counterculture should want to associate themselves with Catholicism. The cover shot of a crucifix and rosary beads is a bit disconcerting. True, the majority of the record is instro-soundscapes, much like parts of "Underground," and there is some pretty groovy, swingin' stuff to be found. You may recognize "Kyrie Eleison," from the movie "Easy Rider," where they drop acid in the cemetery. Although this overly ambitious  project turned out to be career suicide and the band splintered and then completely disintegrated, I find it to be very listenable, even if it's not their best.
Release Of An Oath (1968)
It isn't until halfway through the third song, "General Confessional," that one lone guitar frantically struggles to break through the suffocating waves of nauseating strings. Another one tries to poke out part way through "Our Father, Our King," and is similarly doomed. Worse, with the lyrics now in English one can truly appreciate what drippy religious garbage it is.
I didn't mind "Mass in F Minor," mostly because the music still sounded like the band that made "Underground," and, since I'm not Catholic, the significance of the Latin lyrics escaped me and made it just sound like inoffensive gibberish. the only highlight would have to be "The Adoration," which is, of course, instrumental
The music is all strings and schmaltz and has no business being called an Electric Prunes record. This entire record should have been "aborted" but then I guess it would have been an album even if it wasn't fully developed. After all, who really knows when a piece of music begins. Fuck off. Like annoying religious bullshit? This album is for you.

Just Good Old Rock And Roll (1968)
The final insult, after completely torpedoing their career, the band's management assembled a completely new band and had the gall to call them the "New and Improved," Electric Prunes. "Good old rock n roll," in contrast to the Gregorian chant music and sappy orchestra pieces they forced on them until eventually all the members left. Having said that, this isn't actually a bad album. Completely different in style from the real band. I'd heard "Finders Keepers," before and always liked it, not even knowing who played it. Organ-heavy hippie rock by a band that might have fared much better had they not been presented in such a slimy, dishonest way.

March 14, 2010

Rock 'n' Roll Damnation: Mutt Lange

    "You're makin' out with school kids, winos and heads of state.
    You even made it with the lady, who puts the little plastic bobbins on the Christmas cakes."
    Otherwise known as the former Mr. Shania Twain, this piece of shit is responsible for taking suckage to new heights in the 80's and beyond. Let's have a look at the charges against him ...
    Helped Make AC/DC dumber
    Aside from the Boomtown Rats and Savoy Brown, Mutt really came to the world's attention when he took over AC/DC's production duties from Vanda and Young starting with the album "Highway to Hell." He did a good job. Phil Rudd's drums sound gargantuan and the performances, notably Bon Scott's, are incredible. The most noticeable shift is from bratty humor to leering, obvious sexual material.
    I hear Mutt's influence most on "Touch Too Much," a song that reminds me of Bryan Adams who Mutt would work with later and treats us to the line "she wanted it hard, she wanted it fast, she liked it done medium rare." I don't even know what that means but it grosses me out.
    From there he helped shove AC/DC from the Bon Scott era into the era of lunk-headed arena rock with "Back In Black,"and  "For Those About To Rock". They are the best non-Bon albums but also where I officially stop caring about AC/DC. They've re-hashed the same formula ever since.
    Aided and Abetted Def Leppard's World Domination
    Q: What has seven arms and sucks?
    A: Def Leppard
    Mutt was more than the band's producer, he was the Svengali of their slick, soul-less pop metal.
    Theyset a standard in the 80's for which there was no turning back.
    Forget False Metal, Helped Create False Rock
    Foreigner, Loverboy. Remember them? They sucked and they dominated. This is the kind of shit that made me think I hated music back in the 80's."Heavy? On FM radio, Foreigner was heavy. It was either listen to that or Madonna. Take your pick.
    Bryan Adams
    Oh, Bryan Adams. I hate your voice as much as I hate you looking at your pock-marked face. Mutt shoved your music up my ass eight ways from Sunday and Con-con helped him do it.
    He helped write "Everything I Do I Do It For You," and "Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman," two of the most annoying and conceited love songs in history. "I...I...I," only I know how to love a woman properly, etc. Good job writing a love song about yourself.
    Co-Wrote A Bunch of Shitty Songs
    Co-wrote "All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You" by Heart. I hate any song that uses the term "making love." I hate any person who uses the term making love, actually. Mutt perfected this gruff yet sensitive pseudo-rock with Michael Bolton, Billy Ocean, and Huey Lewis.
    Penned tunes with Reba McIntyre and helped Billy Ray Cyrus write "Only God (Could Stop Me Loving You)" Wow, I wonder if that song blows.
    Eventually pandered down to Anne Murray Celine Dion and the Backstreet Boys.

    Masterminded The Shania Twain Explosion
    I don't know why Shania Twain's music doesn't offend me quite as much as some of Mutt's other projects. Maybe because she doesn't have a Michael Bolton husky voice or pretend to be playing rock music. It's new country, which by definition is bad so, with that in mind, it's not as annoying. It's still pretty annoying though, I've gotta tell you. Anyhow Mutt produced all her crap and then went ahead and married her but she divorced him. Ha!
    Cemented his eternal douche-cred by producing Nickelback.
    This an actual conversation I've had;
    "What's that band from Canada that sucks?"
    Me: "Nickelback?"
    "Yeah, that's it."
    Mutt co-wrote a song called "Something In Your Mouth," which I've not had the pleasure of hearing at this moment, but which I'm almost certain is about blowjobs. Yeccch. The something in my mouth is barf. Thanks a lot for putting in there.
    Mutt, you set the standard for glossy, soul-less production after which there was no turning back.
    (Incidentally, I wonder if you and Steve Albini were ever put in the same room together, you'd actually repel each other like magnets and both go flying across the room.)
    You've written, or helped write, some of the most nauseating "makin' love," ballads in history and made the eighties a living hell for me and everyone I know.
    Go to hell, Mutt Lange. I hate you.

    March 12, 2010

    Things I've Learned From Pro-Wrestling

    "It's the suede/denim secret police. They have come for your un-cool niece."
    Nikolai Volkoff: "Russian People
    Volkoff is a Russian which is the same as a commie. Russian people hate America because they hate our freedom. They can sometimes be bumbling as evidenced by Rocky and Bullwinkle. They wrestle in singlets similar to Russian power-lifters at the Olympics and train by wrestling bears. They will sometimes try wave the Russian flag and sing the Russian national anthem, which is a good way to piss off American wrestlers . Everyone knows that, in wrestling, no one should wave any flag other than the American flag or sing any anthem other than the American national anthem. When this happens it is necessary to beat some freedom into them.
    Russians have been know to reform themselves by learning to love America (and freedom). They are usually kind of dopey, as evidenced by their inability to speak English too good. People who speak in broken English are obviously a bit dumb 'cause; how hard is it to learn English? All of us speak it.
    See also: Nikita Koloff in the parallel universe of WCW.
    Chief Wahoo McDaniel: "Native Americans"
    Wahoo McDaniel wrestled back when they called Native American people "Indians" and international objects "foreign". This should not be confused with people from the country India, which is in the Middle East and technically makes them Arabs.
    Wahoo is a chief, like most Indians. You can tell by the feathers on his hat thingy. Regular Indians start out with only one feather, and then when they earn a whole hat full they are a chief. Wahoo was kind of old and fat but cagey and with lots of "heart". If he started to dance around, going "wah-wah-wah!" like he does, you better stop him cause once he gets going, he can deflect bullets. He was also nearly impossible to beat in an Indian strap match because of the whole "being an Indian," thing and all.
    Randy Savage:" Men Who Are Macho"
    Randy Savage, like most macho people, can identified by his preference for clothing in obnoxious dayglo colors, usually with some sort of tassels. This ensemble is usually completed with an
    elaborate hat and matching sunglasses for full macho effect.
    Randy is insanely jealous and flies into a murderous rage if anyone speaks to, looks at or thinks about looking at his woman, Elizabeth.
    He has a weird voice like cookie monster, speaks in short choppy sentences and twitches a lot. When he is extra mad the veins in his neck pop out . It is unknown if this relates to his excessive consumption of the meat bi-product snack known as "Slim Jims."
    Interesting fact; in England his name literally means "Horny Savage."
    Junk Yard Dog: "African Americans"
    JYD is a black person, which means that he enjoys dancing. On one of the wrestling albums, JYD sang a song called "Grab Them Cakes," about his appreciation for either baked goods or large asses, I'm not actually sure which. He has a raspy sort of dog voice and sometimes wears a dog collar around his neck. Dog collar matches were his specialty. Much like Wahoo McDaniel and his "Indian strap match," if you were thinking you could beat JYD in a dog-collar match, you may as well forget about it.
    Aside from leash-wearing and crawling around on all fours, JYD has taken on other characteristics of a dog including barking, eating stuff off the sidewalk and attempting to lick his own balls.
    Physics: Off The Top-Rope
    Height plus distance equals pain.
    The top rope is the place that makes things hurt the most. Say I elbowed you in the face. That hurts right? If I climbed up onto the second rope and elbowed you in the face, it would hurt so much more. If I went up to the top rope, jumped off and landed with my elbow right in your face, you might actually die.
    The only counter-attack? Moving out of the way. The diving headbutt is a great example of this. Headbutting someone hurts but, as we've already established, if you climb up really high and jump onto someone, and hit them with your head, they might be killed. However, if your target were to move at the last second, causing your face and head to hit the ring, instead of their equally hard head, that could mean possible death for you.
    Also, if you want to make something from the top rope even more dangerous, do some type of flip in the air before you land. More flips equals more hurting. Got it? This was first discovered in Mexico.





    March 2, 2010

    The Awesome Hall of Fame And The Hall of Total Bullshit

    "Maggots in the eye of love won't copulate."
    Awesome Hall of Fame: Peru
    That's Bobby Peru. Like the country.

    Hall of Total Bullshit: The Cobalt Is History
    It's been a few months since Vancouver's most hollowed punk-rock dive since the Smilin' Buddha closed it's doors for good. To be honest, I wasn't much of a regular over last few years, mainly because they booked way too many annoying grind-core bands. 
    Still, I have many, many fond memories of this place. At least when my daughter is old enough to ask "where did you and mom meet?" I'll be able to stay, "at the Cobalt, sweet pea, it used to be right where that condo is now.
     Awesome Hall of Fame: Beer Koozie
    The only civilized way to drink in public. Keeps your beer cold, hides it from the cops, keeps it from sliding off the dashboard while you're driving.
    Hall of Total Bullshit: Downtown Eastside Connect Kiosk
    A better name for this house of lies would actually be "The Hall of Total Bullshit".
    Never mind the enormous tent city literally right across the street. All our homeless people have been totally housed. 
    Awesome Hall of Fame: Head Smashed-In Buffalo Jump
    Actually a real place.
    Hall of Total Bullshit: My Downstairs Neighbors

    Wow. Do you not have a job? Do you not know that blasting the world's shittiest techno music right below my bedroom every night of the week after 10pm disturbs me? Or do you not care? That makes you either an idiot or a bastard.

    Awesome Hall of Fame: Shar Pei Puppy
    Awwww! Poor little puppy! Your skin doesn't fit you yet. You look just like that frigging towel you're laying on. Cute city.
    Hall of Total Bullshit: Black Jellybean
    Put me in the same category as John Mayer's David Duke penis when it comes to jellybeans. I just don't dig the blacks. I don't hate them or anything. I just want them to be separate. They just so ... different.
    Awesome Hall of Fame: Wikipedia
    Remember thinking? Or the need to ... remember ... stuff? Me neither! Who cares if it may not completely accurate or verified in any real way. It's still the best for settling drunken bets and doing ... uh ... research for your ... uh ... blog or whatever.
    Hall of Total Bullshit: Urinal With Ice In it
    Why are you there? It's sort of fun to pee on you and watch you melt but what is your actual purpose?
    Answer me!!!!