"What kind of a fool do you think I am? You think I know nothing of the modern world."
The Genius - "Smart People"
You could tell The Genius was smart because he wore a graduation cap and gown to the ring and pointed at his head a lot. He would read insulting poems about his opponents before a match and throw Frisbees into the crowd. I'm not making this up. He was also very effeminate in his mannerisms and used to do a whole stretching routine before a match, which also included cartwheels.
The Genius got his ass kicked a lot.
Bret Hart: "Canadians"
You can't really tell that Bret Hart is a Canadian by looking at him. He looks more or less like a regular American. He seems like he might be okay but is also technically foreign and should be regarded with suspicion. Canadians are sneaky in their ability to blend in to normal society undetected. Bret does have a noticeable accent when he says "oot" and "aboot" and probably prefers hockey and bacon to baseball and pie. He sometimes fights on the side of America to help preserve it's awesomeness, but he can also succumb to unprovoked America hating and therefore cant be completely trusted. Bret Hart is from Calgary, which is apparently a remote area in Canada where shampoo is not yet available.
Barry Horowitz: "Jewish People"
Barry's Jewiness or Jew-ousity never occurred to me as a kid because I'm not very bright. Of the "up and coming" and/or washed-up wrestlers, whose job it was to get the shit pounded out of them by the good wrestlers on Saturday morning, Barry was one of the few who got his own gimmick. His gimmick was that he used to pat himself on the back. He even had a sequined ring jacket with a likeness of his own hand on the back. I didn't say it was a good gimmick.
Barry spent a lot of time on his back because, as I already mentioned he regularly got his ass kicked.
At one point I recall Barry wearing a star of David on his trunks and I have a vague memory of a yarmulke but I may have imagined that. He probably got his ass kicked a lot while wearing it.
Barry's Jewiness or Jew-ousity never occurred to me as a kid because I'm not very bright. Of the "up and coming" and/or washed-up wrestlers, whose job it was to get the shit pounded out of them by the good wrestlers on Saturday morning, Barry was one of the few who got his own gimmick. His gimmick was that he used to pat himself on the back. He even had a sequined ring jacket with a likeness of his own hand on the back. I didn't say it was a good gimmick.
Barry spent a lot of time on his back because, as I already mentioned he regularly got his ass kicked.
At one point I recall Barry wearing a star of David on his trunks and I have a vague memory of a yarmulke but I may have imagined that. He probably got his ass kicked a lot while wearing it.
Barry may have also helped kill Jesus.
Repo-Man: "Repo-Men"
Repo Man was a perfect modern-day villain, because nothing angers the average American more than someone who sneaks into your yard and takes away things you've bought but can't afford to pay for.
Managers Vs. Valets
A manager is usually a small wimp or nerd who shouts encouragement or speaks on behalf of an inarticulate lunk and expresses to everyone just how scary they are.
Typical manager interview; "Hulk Hogan. This man, The Pulversizer is going to make you his bitch next Sunday. Do you know what a bitch is Hulk Hogan? You will on August 17th at Wrestlemania 25, at the Pontiac Silverdome. When he gets you inside that steel cage, he's going to fuck you in the ass like a fresh inmate dropping the soap at Riker's Island. And all the little Hulkamaniacs will be drinking paint thinner and hurling themselves into oncoming traffic because they'll have watched their hero get anally raped live on pay-per view, this Sunday August 17th!"
It's useful for a manger to carry some sort of prop, which defines their personality somehow, but also gives them the opportunity to brain someone with it when the ref isn't looking. Examples:
JimmyHart - Megaphone
Jim Cornette -Tennis racket
Paul Ellering - Rolled up newspaper
Mr. Fuji - Cane (or flag pole) and envelope full of salt
Classy Freddie Blassie - Golf club
A valet is usually a woman in a slutty outfit who will distract referees and opponents with her; legs/cleavage/shrilly voice. She will often brain opponents with objects or hand these objects to her wrestler to brain the opponent with. These objects may include, but are not limited to;
Purse with a brick in it.
High heel shoe (ouch!)
Bottle of perfume (sprayed into the eyes)
Bottle of hairspray (sprayed into the eyes)
Valets are often devious and may turn friends against each other or turn good wrestlers bad.
It is, acceptable for a good guy to slap a valet under certain circumstances.
.jpg)
