Ted Dibiase: "Rich People"
Ted Dibiase is rich. You can tell this by the big dollar sign on his outfit and the big wad of cash he carries with him everywhere, kind of like the big bags they used to use in cartoons with a dollar sign on them, so everybody knows there's money inside.
He bought a black person, named Virgil to open his limo door and count his $ for him and scowl angrily. Why does he continue to work as a pro wrestler? Just to be a dick to people, apparently.
Iron Sheik: "Arabs"
The Iron Sheik is from the Middle East, which is in the desert somewhere. Like most Arabs he is either a sheik or a sultan (one of the two) and wears some sort of sand resistant headgear (turban or occasionally fez)
Arabs can't usually speak English very well but like to look up at the sky and scream a lot.
"Allacch, hallem alllaha Hulk Hogan! Allah hallalem, Pontiac Silverdome alllahha hallhem!" for example.
All moves performed by Arab wrestling moves have to do with camels somehow. Camel clutch, camel kick, camel punch in the nuts and so on. They hate America's freedom and think they are superior because we need their oil so much.
Luna Vachon looks a bit like Wendy O Williams, if she was hit in the face with a shovel. She is, I believe what is known as a "butter-face." She has a voice that sounds like she's been either gargling with Drano or is trying to take a shit. How do I know she is a lesbian since she hasn't actually said that she was? Because gay men act just like women and gay women act just like men, silly; pay attention.
Big Boss Man: "Prison Screws"
This former prison guard from some redneck town, just south of butt-fuck nowhere went from a bad guy administering vicious nightstick beatings to the good guys, to a fan favorite by administering vicious nightstick beatings to the bad buys. Kinda makes you want to buy your kid a giant foam finger with his picture on it, no?
If The Ref Didn't See It ...
Back when I was a little kid, sports didn't have any new-fangled "instant replay." The ref had to know what the hell they were doing or you were shit out of luck. If you really wanted to make sure they didn't miss something, you just got a bunch more of them to stand in different places and if all of them didn't see whatever happened, I'd usually get to hear all the adults in an arena scream or chant words I wasn't allowed to say. "Asshole," "idiot,." "Faggot," was an interest one, as if somehow being gay affects your eyesight.
So for years, in sports like tennis, football, sports where a couple of inches really matters, they'd have to take the guys word for it or if you were coked up like John McEnroe you'd just fucking scream at the guy. Holy shit, you bet that was my favorite part of tennis. Sometimes my mom would try to make me leave the room, but you'd still hear "fuck," or "bullshit," and they couldn't bleep it. Was"bleeping," even invented then?
Even after they invented instant replay, lots of old guys didn't want it, like the recording was some sort of witchcraft and would steal their souls. These guys were usually also against helmets in hockey, cause getting you head smashed in is a part of the game and anyone who didn't know that was a pussy.
So, for reasons philosophical or not, it too a long time for instant replay to become the standard for televised sports. This however does not include wrestling. there is one referee and, as it pertains to cheating, if he doesn't see it, it didn't happen. Now wrestling referees, we're lead to assume, are almost retarded. Certain wrestlers, like our buddy Abdullah The Butcher are famous for cutting people with objects and certain managers, like our buddy, Jim Cornette are known for braining people with objects. Any ref with half a brain would figure out at some point what would happen after certain wrestlers skillfully turn their back for a second and their opponent ends up gushing blood. You'd think that eventually someone would at least share this information with them. Therefore I imagine that wrestling referees are sequestered, like a jury and never allowed to watch or read about wrestling. This, I would have to imagine, is in an effort to keep the sport pure. Of course, if they did catch you cheating, they wouldn't really do much about it, except start counting.
