"Don't need no pretty face. Don't need no human race."
Hall of Total Bullshit: Reflective Douche-wear
Dude. Are you seriously fucking retarded? What the hell are you wearing? Do you have a pair of shiny pants to go with that? I hope so. To think that your parents missed out on the chance to abort you. What a horrible mistake that was.
Awesome Hall of Fame: Lemmy's Moles
Or whatever they are. Lemmy had these weird bumps on his face for his entire life.
Are they getting bigger? I'm not sure.
Are they disgusting? Probably.
Why has he not removed them? Why should he?
Perhaps he realizes that, removing the bumps from his face could rob him of his power, like Samson, cutting his hair.
Or perhaps he just doesn't care. Lemmy has earned a rep as a ladies man, with the confidence to snog with Wendy O, Corey Parks and various skanky rock chicks, completely unhindered by these enormous disgusting protuberances. Confidence is sexy, don't you agree?
Hall of Total Bullshit: UFC
I don't want to harsh on anybody's buzz here. If you want to put on a Speedo and roll around on the ground, dry humping your buddy, more power to ya. But what's with the attitude? Remember when martial artists were honorable and disciplined, not roided-out dicks with Road Warrior haircuts. How about an "Ultimate Getting-Along Championship"?
Awesome Hall of Fame: Kangaroo Attack!
We've established that human vs. human doesn't really hold my interest, but replace one of those humans with a Kangaroo? Now you've got something.
Now, I'm sure that some assholes have captured a Kangaroo and kept it it caged up only to have it spar with drunken bar patrons. Not cool. To see a captive Kangaroo beat the living piss out of it's trainer, on the other hand - awesome. To see some jerk off, with a camera perhaps ,(see above) get too close to a wild kangaroo and get whomped - same deal. Love it. But the great thing about kangaroos is the way they fight. The punch you right in the fucking face. Straight jabs like a boxer. Then there's the grab the back of the neck with both hands, double groin kick move. Amazing. Youtube it. Don't mess with a Kangaroo.
Hall of Total Bullshit: Guitar Hero
This is not a guitar. This is not anything like a guitar. This is basically whack-a-mole. Red! Blue! Yellow! It's like the Nintendo power pad but stupider.
Not only can most real guitar players not play this game, I believe it actually makes you worse at guitar. Hours after the the first - and only time - I tried to play this game, I couldn't listen to music without thinking Green! Blue! Yellow!
Awesome Hall of Fame: Crazy Old Bastards
Old. It's the new young. The kids? Fuck 'em. Today bands are getting better as they get cagier.
When I saw the Jesus Lizard reunion a few months ago, David Yow (pictured above) was visibly sucking wind early in the show and looking somewhat afraid of the looming pit of outstretched arms ready to yank him into their midst. He guy did, however, hurl his body repeatedly into the crowd, until he was a sweaty bedraggled mess, never letting go of the microphone, no matter which part of who's anatomy the cord was wrapped around and never missing a garbled syllable (I think). The amazing part was that, even though I'm at least a decade younger, I was hobbled the next day with bruised ribs that took for-ever to heal after spending the entire show in the pit.
This motherfucker got up, (I assume), drank away his hangover and did it all again the next night in some other unforgiving town, then another, then another. My hat is off to you, sir.
This motherfucker got up, (I assume), drank away his hangover and did it all again the next night in some other unforgiving town, then another, then another. My hat is off to you, sir.
Hall of Total Bullshit: Yam Fries
Fuck off. Seriously.
Awesome Hall of Fame - Brotherhood
Help out your bro (or your chick-bro) when they are in need. Buy them a beer when they are broke. If they fall down in the pit, help them back up. Amen.
Hall of Total Bullshit: Dog Shit
Your dog takes a dump somewhere ... you clean it up. Simple equation. Then why is the entire perimeter of my block covered with steaming landmines? Shame on you, you ignorant motherfuckers. I believe in dog shit karma. Every turd you don't pick up is one you should step in.
Awesome Hall of Fame: This Dude
Before you ask yourself "why would anyone do this to themself," ask "why wouldn't they?" Does it matter that you spelled Randy Rhoads wrong? You may actually be the only human with a Tesla, Tora Tora, Quiet Riot or Dangerous Toys tattoo. Tuff? I don't even know who the fuck they are. Aside from a few obvious omissions, ("No Sleez Beez? Come on!) meet your God!
