Things I've Learned From Pro-Wrestling

"Every night the scene is set. I've got to drink to forget. I cannot incur this debt. Where's the gun? Here's my head!"

Rowdy Roddy Piper - "Scottish People"

Roddy Piper was supposed to be from Glasgow Scotland but aside from his bagpipe theme music, the kilt he always wore and his complete inability to tan, there was nothing especially Scottish about him. He had a relatively average physique and seemed to kick ass only  due to his sheer rowdiness. He often appeared as though he could have been slightly drunk. Or on pills.
He went on to star in, "Hell Comes To Frogtown," which is officially the greatest movie ever.

Razor Ramon: "Cuban People"

Razor speaks in a way that is consistent with what most of us already know about Cuban people from watching Scarface and I Love Lucy. He likes to call people, "chico," and throw toothpicks at them. It is probably safe to assume that he is "mobbed up," and has dealt a little bit in the old booger sugar, if you catch my meaning. His hair has a lot of "product," AKA slime in it and he often refers to himself as "the bad guy.
"Fuck Casper Gomez and fuck the fucking Diaz brothers! I bury those cock-a-roaches."
He is married to Michelle Pfeiffer, whose womb is so polluted he can't even make a baby with her.

Earthquake: "Morbidly Obese People"

Earthquake is extremely over-weight, sweats a lot and generally has questionable hygiene

It is inevitable that if you are tall enough or gain enough weight, you will one day be recruited to help destroy Hulkamania. Earthquake once almost succeeded in murdering Hulk Hogan by sitting on him.

Bad News Brown: "People From The Ghetto"

Bad News Brown is an example of the always frightening, "angry black person." He comes from Harlem, which is part of the ghetto, where everyone scowls a lot. He seems to show no interest in dancing whatsoever and may actually hate white people for some reason. It is possible that he might hate other black people as well but no one can be sure because it's unheard of to have more than one black person in the ring at the same time.

Bad News likes to finish people off with a move called the "ghetto blaster," which is also known as kicking someone in the back of the head really hard.

He used to like to call everyone, "beer-bellied sharecroppers," which I never understood as a kid until I saw the movie "The Jerk."

Metal folding chair = the most diabolic weapon known to man
Ever since wrestling matches were held in drafty hockey arenas and smoky bingo halls, it's been customary to have a bunch of metal folding chairs set up around ringside for extra seating. As luck would have it, these chairs are also totally awesome to hit someone in the head with. A metal folding chair across the skull can have roughly the same impact as a nuclear warhead (unless, of course, you're Samoan, but I'll save that discussion for another time.)
It should be noted that, although they appear identical to the type of chair you might find yourself setting up for a church bake-sale, Vince McMahon was always careful to point out that theirs are made of 100% solid steel!