Things I've Learned From Pro Wrestling

"I've seen an old man have a heart attack in Manhattan.
Well he died while we just stood there lookin' at him." 

"USA! USA!"

I'm not from America. I was born and raised in Canada (Olympic Vancouver land). For the sake of this feature I will be referring to Americans as "we" and "us". If there is anything I've learned from wrestling it's that deep down, we are all Americans at heart or want to be. Fans from all over the world know you chant "USA! USA!" for the good guys. America is the greatest country in the world because of it's freedom.

Hulk Hogan: "Real Americans"

Hulk Hogan is a real American. He fights for the rights of everyone. You know this by the time he walks to the ring cause his handy them music tells you so. He bleaches his hair and handlebar mustache blond, hides his balding under a "cool," bandanna and has an intense orange tan. He calls everyone "dude," "man" or "brother"and espouses the religion of Hulkamania, a philosophy based on the awesomeness of his own self. Through training hard, saying your prayers, eating vitamins and wearing of the sacred canary yellow and red you shall receive enlightenment.  
Hulk hogan calls his enormous arms pythons, or sometimes guns. His muscley-ness is100% natural from eating shit-tons of vitamins and pumping iron on Venice Beach with his buddy Sting spotting him. He doesn't use steroids because that is cheating and cheating is not American. Hulk Hogan has never even seen a steroid. If you showed Hulk Hogan a steroid, he'd say "I have no idea what I'm supposed to be looking at, brother."

Mr. Fuji: "Asians"

Most Asians are sneaky and devious as typified by Mr. Fuji.

They are small and squint a lot but make up for their lack of size and ripped pythons with their innate understanding of the deadly art of karate. If an Asian person kicks you in the windpipe it can fuck your throat up real bad. They wear pajamas and sometimes eat raw fish. Japanese people call themselves "san". Like Mr. Fuji-san" and say "Banzai" when they are about to attack you and throw salt in your eyes when you're not looking.

This is called "Pearl Harboring" someone. Then you have to go "Hiroshima," and "Nagasaki," their asses.

There are no Chinese wrestlers, at least not that anyone knows about, because they are nearly impossible to tell apart from Japanese people. It is good form to simply say they are from "Asia" or "The Orient".

Hillbilly Jim: "Hicks"

The hick is the redneck's benevolent cousin. Hicks can be identified by their overalls, which they always wear into the ring, and the livestock they take with them everywhere they go. They are strong as bulls from lifting bails of hay, scooping up large turds and milking things all day.
Hilarity often ensues when hicks come to the big city to "rassle," and things play out Beverly Hillbillies style.
Sample interview:
"Hillbilly Jim! This locker room is a pig sty! Literally!"
"Well Mean Gene, I brought my favorite heifer Clara-Bell to the Joe Louis Arena tonight to watch me and the Hulkster hog-tie that no good Mr. Fuji and that dang Iron Sheik and then we're gonna have us a hoe down!" Cue annoying banjo music.

Kamala: "Ugandans"
Kamala is from the deepest, darkest jungles of Africa. He is a savage bush person, which means he is almost retarded. He enjoys slapping his fat belly and eating disgusting things. Kamala is so stupid that he needs a handler to lead him back and forth from the ring without eating anyone. He often forgets to roll a person over onto their back before pinning them. He has at various times in his career, licked his opponents blood off of his fingers and also referenced (through an interpreter) putting his opponents in a big pot and boiling them. All jungle people can, as I have learned from Bugs Bunny, manage to find at least one over-sized pot big enough to cook someone in.